Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries

Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in
Cincinnati, Ohio 
Bea V. Larsen

For a number of years Bea V. Larsen, senior mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in Cincinnati, Ohio [www.cfrdmediation.com], presented weekly commentaries on WVXU radio, both on her professional work as a mediator and on more personal or general experiences. These broadcasts reached thousands of listeners in a number of midwestern states and elicited many comments. This new series of online commentaries will continue that tradition, now broadcast to the world via the internet. Comments, which can be posted directly to this blog, are warmly encouraged. More personal background information can be read in the "Introductions" category below.
 

If There Is No Trust

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This entry was posted on 4/11/2006 5:46 PM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics.

    It is not unusual for some of those entering the divorce mediation process to question whether it can work, because they so distrust the other party.

    As an intimate relationship ends, the breakdown of trust is almost inevitable. A spouse formerly so well known becomes a stranger. It can be terrifying. The intimacy vacuum created is quickly filled with anxiety. Then all that is needed is a spark, a canceled credit card, a letter from an attorney or the closing of an account without consultation. Any residual trust vanishes.

    The offended party asks: How can I possibly work with this person? Perhaps I have to hire a gladiator to protect myself.

    A reasonable question that requires a reasonable answer.

    To those who have survived this stage without declaring war, born of their fear, and have found their way into a mediation setting or have hired lawyers who seek to collaborate and meet the interests of both parties, this is what I would say: Let's just assume that your spouse is untrustworthy. This is your current perspective. You may be wrong but you may be right. So, why not simply accept his/her untrustworthiness as a reality and design a settlement that doesn't depend on trust. Assert the power you have to say no to anything proposed until you are ready to say yes, to see the documentation for every fact alleged, to test conclusions with the involvement of appropriate experts, to make no decisions until they are fully informed decisions.

    In marriage we expect trust, a global trust that we will always be told the truth and emotionally supported. That perfection may not always exist, but it is a legitimate goal.

    In divorce we may have to give it up. A new trusting relationship may well be established, incrementally, but until it is, a "show me" attitude is completely appropriate.
 

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    • 4/17/2006 8:24 PM Robert Rack wrote:
      Trust is a very interesting subject. I think many people equate it with reliability--I give my trust to the extent that my experience shows the person receiving it is trustworthy.
      I have come to view trust more as a personal choice--something I do mostly for my own benefit. I choose to trust not because I'm certain the other will always meet my expectations, but because the benefits of trusting to me are worth the risk.
      From this perspective, there are two critical factors determining my choice to trust. First, what are the stakes? How serious will the consquences be if my trust is broken, and how well can I handle it. Am I looking at losing my life's savings or at having my heart broken and can I live with that? Second is what are the benefits? In a relationship, trusting invites the other's trust and opens huge doors to intimacy. I'll risk big pain for that. Even imagining the terrible, proverbial case of my wife having an affair, if I valued her and my relationship enough, and reasonably believed the sincerety of her regret and her promise not to repeat the breach, I just might decide to risk continuing to trust her. As the song says, "better to have loved and lost...."
      I guess I'm just mentioning the flip side of the caution you wisely advise in a divorce situation. Trusting is something we can always choose to do if we believe we're strong enough to handle the consequences and we see a benefit worth the risks.
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