Sometimes  it seems so clear to me that divorcing partners have virtually completed the mediation process, but the process does not end. Some relatively minor point becomes a major sticking point. Both parties become entrenched, unwilling to give in or compromise, even when the issue is minimal.

    One might almost think that they do not want to finish and have their meetings end. These two people sitting on either end of my long couch usually have been a "couple" for a long time. There was a time when the relationship was everything they could have wished, full of promise. The dream faded and the promise was not kept. Most likely they lived with frustration and unhappiness for a good long while before making the wrenching decision to part.

    However dysfunctional, this relationship is a known quantity. The future is full of frightening unknowns, the single life, financial insecurity, facing responsibilities alone that previously were shared, having to contemplate the dating scene, new sexual partners. Too much change to even imagine. Holding on to the present, however miserable allows one to hold the future at bay just a little longer. The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know.

    It's hard to know how to help when I suspect that it is fear of the unknown future that is preventing closure. I can normalize, talk about other folks who have been similarly stuck, empathize and be patient, Eventually one or the other will break the logjam, perhaps suggest a compromise and get us moving again and then in no time simple agreements are made.

    What is most important is not to allow these minor sticking points to cause a full-blown retreat. The test of my skill is to keep everyone coming back to the table even when, in frustration, the threat may be made to resort to litigation. This is one of those moments when to go slow is to go fast.

 

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