Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries

Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in
Cincinnati, Ohio 
Bea V. Larsen

For a number of years Bea V. Larsen, senior mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in Cincinnati, Ohio [www.cfrdmediation.com], presented weekly commentaries on WVXU radio, both on her professional work as a mediator and on more personal or general experiences. These broadcasts reached thousands of listeners in a number of midwestern states and elicited many comments. This new series of online commentaries will continue that tradition, now broadcast to the world via the internet. Comments, which can be posted directly to this blog, are warmly encouraged. More personal background information can be read in the "Introductions" category below.
 

"We Just Can't Talk"

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This entry was posted on 5/31/2006 10:40 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics.

    "We just can't talk." The sad refrain of so many disappointed partners. And likely of others still struggling to ward off failure. Surely they talked early on, when first getting acquainted. But with greater familiarity, and perhaps an accumulation of minor or significant disappointments, some opt for saying nothing, if unable to find just the right words. Perhaps yearning to be authentic, but fearing further distance or hurt. Others talk non-stop but in accusatory mode, desperate for acknowledgment, but succeeding only in driving a partner further away.

    Oddly, many report that once having made the decision to part, with the reduction in tension born of that resolve, ease of communication returns, but sadly only after all passion has flown. Is there something to be learned?

    Friends of those still struggling to overcome the silences often suggest that partners try active listening, a determination to not interrupt, and then feeding back what has just been heard, as a way of regenerating communication. On an intellectual level, these are techniques that have always made good sense to me, even though my own success using them was abysmal. My mediation clients would often report that the feedback given was tinged with sarcasm or boredom, resentments too firmly established.

    So, my interest was aroused when, some years ago, I read about the research of Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington,(brought back to mind, as his work is written about extensively in Malcolm Gladwell's fascinating "Blink"). He studied 130 newly married couples over a six year period, tracking how they handled disagreement. Many reported they tried active listening and feedback skills.

    These couples were then compared to an older study in which successful marriages had been followed for 13 years. Dr. Gottman found that people who stayed together almost never used such listening techniques.

    What the marriages that seemed to work had in common, according to Gottman, was that the husband was willing to be influenced by his wife, and I quote the good doctor who said: We found that only those newly-wed men who are accepting of influence from their wives are winding up in happy stable marriages.

    Now, I am not so naive as to believe for one moment that this is all it takes, but I clipped this article, gave it to my husband, sent a copy to my daughter, and of course, to my sons.

 

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    • 5/31/2006 10:25 AM Diane wrote:
      LOL as they say, and wondering how many men I can send that column to! And women of course. Did you read Leonard Pitts column on Monday...admonishing women to require men to take a equal role in maintaining relationships and securing a stable culture...he was actually challenging a graduation speech given by Bill Cosby to African American women wherein he said that they, the women, would have to be the ones to bear the bulk of the load...not to count on African American men.
      Interesting perspectives all.
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    • 6/3/2006 9:06 AM Neil Larsen wrote:
      I'm not surprised by the results of Gottman's study. For the twenty plus years that my marriage lasted, I, the ex-husband, listened and was the branch that bent in the wind, while my former wife did the bending and, if she listened, didn't, I think, really 'hear' me the way I heard her. I now realize that, although the precipitating factors ending my marriage were many and more dramatic than this, and not at all to my credit, I eventually found it impossible to go on with this arrangement, impossible not to be 'heard.' At the same time, I don't think my ex-wife could have become the listener in the way that I could, and did, for many years, for the basic reason that, in her own upbringing, no one listened. She only did what her own life, especially growing up and in her first marriage, had trained her to do. I couldn't and can't blame her for that. But I also couldn't go on listening, bending, and not being heard forever either.
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