Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Imagine Winning This entry was posted on 6/28/2006 7:00 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. If you clicked on this commentary expecting a "visualize world peace" proposal, wrong
guess. I don't suggest that by imagining winning a contest (of
wills) the likelihood of victory is enhanced. Quite the opposite. Try
to visualize obtaining a hard fought for result,
either
through tough bargaining or by convincing a Judge, and imagine the
consequences that will flow from the victory.
Strange as it may seem, in pursuit of victory, it is not always easy to distinguish a win from a loss. The scene: Father moves away from the family home, then seeks a significant role in the life of his seven year old son. He wants to share the status of legal custodian and have more time with the child than would likely be ordered by a court. Mother feels betrayed by her husband's infidelity and departure. She, not surprisingly, is hurt and angry. As a work-at-home parent, since the child's infancy, she has managed all of the day to day details of his life. There was a time, however, when she was excessively dependent on prescription drugs. The anxiety evoked when contemplating the end of an intimate relationship, sharpens the focus of both parties on all they stand to lose. Some prepare to do battle, whatever the cost. In the above scenario, ammunition is ready at hand. A good time to take a deep breath and imagine winning. Contemplate the consequences of victory. Some possibilities: -a forever angry co-parent who may even pull back from the parenting role, to the child's detriment -a tightening of the purse strings, less generous support, now, and as college approaches -possible alienation of the child over time, as parents continue to demean each other -a child caught in the middle of parental conflict, who suffers intensely from the constant test of loyalty -savings and future income depleted to pay for the prolonged battles which often resurface for years As destabilizing as this crazy-making time is, a balancing act is called for. In the effort to regain control during the chaotic times of our lives, getting the necessary help to refocus and contemplate the consequences of winning a battle, and not just the anticipation of painful losses, can point towards peaceful resolutions, and often significant gains. |
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