Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries

Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in
Cincinnati, Ohio 
Bea V. Larsen

For a number of years Bea V. Larsen, senior mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in Cincinnati, Ohio [www.cfrdmediation.com], presented weekly commentaries on WVXU radio, both on her professional work as a mediator and on more personal or general experiences. These broadcasts reached thousands of listeners in a number of midwestern states and elicited many comments. This new series of online commentaries will continue that tradition, now broadcast to the world via the internet. Comments, which can be posted directly to this blog, are warmly encouraged. More personal background information can be read in the "Introductions" category below.
 

Just My Name, Please

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This entry was posted on 9/2/2006 6:03 PM and is filed under Personally Speaking.

    It used to be forty, then fifty, now maybe even fifty-five, before women start to notice that no one is noticing. Add an additional ten years for men. Most of us make peace with advancing invisibility as we age. We can take pride in what we've become, what we've learned, what we are still able to achieve.Then, surprisingly, even a small stab can deflate a well earned sense of self.

    Here's my story.

    I am visiting a new doctor, a well reputed specialist. The waiting room is crowded, many of the patients past middle age, some very elderly with another in attendance. The office staff exudes efficiency and a friendly ease.

    Before long I am ushered into an examination room, one in a row of six or seven.

     Eye drops are administered and some basic questions asked by an assistant, my answers noted for later review by the busy physician. A smile, a magazine and a not too long wait is promised, and I am left alone.

     Soon I become aware the doctor is in the examining room next to mine. He is talking to someone about the process of reapplication for a driver's license which has lapsed, the tests to be anticipated, how to avoid likely obstacles. I conjecture that the patient is hard of hearing as the doctor's voice is raised. His tone is gentle, unhurried and indulgent.The listener's responses are barely audible.

     I am warmed by this doctor's caring way, the sensitivity with which he addresses the elderly patient who I assume is vulnerable and confused. I will praise this kind doctor,  soon, when we meet.

     He knocks and enters, smiling, with his hand outstretched in greeting.

    "Hello, young lady, how are you doing?"

    I feel diminished, categorized, even disrespected. I am not young. Please, doctor, do not call me "young lady". This strips me of dignity. Young women are 25 and under. You can use my full name, or no name at all.

    But these words, although screamed, are unspoken. I simply say "hello." My rehearsed words of praise for him are swallowed.

    I have lived more than seven decades and value the richness of my experience. Joy, and sadness, both in good measure, and good health, allow me to look to the future with optimism. I accept the deficits of aging, but want my status recognized, not made a foolishness.

    Was his greeting viewed by him as a kindness, or was it simply thoughtless ineptitude? And does it matter in the larger scheme of things?

    Yes, it does.
 

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    • 9/3/2006 9:15 AM regine wrote:
      That drives me nuts too. and I always say"can you see my gray hairs , I am not young and I dont want to be treated as young."I went to an ent doc once who not only treated me as if I was young but retarded. I told the office i would never see him again. On the other hand, I think the people who do it think they're being nice. Can't win.
      Reply to this
    • 9/30/2006 2:34 PM Nancy Minson wrote:
      How wonderful to find that the commentaries I missed from WVXU are now on line.

      Thank you.
      Reply to this
      1. 9/30/2006 6:56 PM Bea Larsen wrote:
        Nancy: I am so very pleased to have y ou as a reader. Makes the writing that much more worthwhile.  Bea

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    • 11/16/2006 12:11 PM Jack sherman Jr wrote:
      Right on!
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    • 11/16/2006 1:24 PM Marie wrote:
      Hi Bea,
      Sometimes I suspect that being addressed as "young lady" is an easy way for service providers not to have to stop, look and actually remember the client's name. Or perhaps a way to avoid feeling a personal atatchment in the guise of professional detachment. "Honey" or "Dear" are others that really make my blood boil. I try to write it off as ignorance or cultural nuance. You're right, it's demeaning and perhaps we need to be prepared to politely make the corection. Can we expect change when we don't let the person know that such address is offensive?
      Reply to this
      1. 11/18/2006 7:33 AM Bea Larsen wrote:
            Ah, Marie, you have hit upon the crux of this matter that is still unresolved for me. I, this mature older person, have not been able to bring myself to tell this doctor that I object to his style of address. Putting aside his possible motivations, my old childhood script to always be nice and not offend, rules the day. Absurd, I know, but there it is. A friend, the husband of a physician, suggested I send this commentary to the Academy of Medicine for publication in their newsletter. But I am even reluctant to do that for fear the doctor in question will read it and be embarrassed, recognizing me as his patient. Yet some ethical reserve will not allow me to send it in without attribution.

            Thanks for your insights and affirmation.  Bea
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