Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries

Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in
Cincinnati, Ohio 
Bea V. Larsen

For a number of years Bea V. Larsen, senior mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in Cincinnati, Ohio [www.cfrdmediation.com], presented weekly commentaries on WVXU radio, both on her professional work as a mediator and on more personal or general experiences. These broadcasts reached thousands of listeners in a number of midwestern states and elicited many comments. This new series of online commentaries will continue that tradition, now broadcast to the world via the internet. Comments, which can be posted directly to this blog, are warmly encouraged. More personal background information can be read in the "Introductions" category below.
 

Taking To The Sky

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This entry was posted on 10/21/2006 6:30 PM and is filed under Personally Speaking.

    My husband learned to pilot a small plane when in his forties, and he fell in love. If the weather was good, he wanted to fly. If the weather was poor, but not too poor, he wanted to test his mettle. When dark, he wanted to practice night flying. Flying became his passion. And he wanted to share his passion with me.

    Covertly, I was an anxious passenger. Noise of the engine and crackle of the radio precluded conversation. Ever vigilant, to prevent colliding with other aircraft, I couldn't fathom what kept us aloft. My visual was the Disney cartoon in which a furry animal raced toward the edge of a cliff and then kept right on running into thin air, only to suddenly look down and drop like a stone (and bounce).

    Len's patient instruction about the principle of airfoils didn't help.

    Yet, for several years, I flew with him, even making two cross country trips. He was in his element. I was always so happy to be back on firm ground upon landing, that this was the emotion he noted. But my secret could not be kept.

    The proposed solution? A psychologist who specialized in desensitization of phobias, for that was how my fear was defined. At the second session, she asked how often I flew with Len and I reported that we flew 3 or 4 times a week. The therapist expressed  surprise, and in a puzzled tone questioned why I went so often if I didn't enjoy it?

    Aha! A defining moment.

    The therapeutic path? We changed course and focused on exploring what other fears were being kept hidden. Like the fear of not living up to my concept of what a good wife should be, and the fear of being abandoned as unworthy.

    I'd like to report that recognizing those fears erased my fear of flying in a small plane, but that didn't happen.

    Instead, I gave up flying with Len. A good solution for me, less so for him. I could relax, and was even able to tell him of my decision without undue guilt. He expressed sincere disappointment. Fair enough, we were both entitled to be authentic.

     Len found many other flying companions, including our daughter and his then 73 year old mother. Both accompanied him to fulfill his boyhood dream of exploring Alaska by plane.

    Did he continue, from time to time, to express regret about my not being his companion on some exciting adventure? Yes, and that made me sad, for a while. Sometimes, old feelings of insecurity returned.

    But not for long. And if anything, honesty drew us closer.

 

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    • 10/21/2006 7:00 PM regine wrote:
      Such parallel experiences we have had. Billy's was sailing and i felt it my duty to pack up four babies and sail all day every day even though I was mortally afraid and could never understand why if the wind was coming from one way the boat went another. Anyway after 20 years i decided not to go sailing again. unlike you we never worked it out, Billy always resented it and I felt guilty but also simply couldn"t do it anymore.
      Reply to this
    • 10/21/2006 8:13 PM Maury wrote:
      Whether you are leaping up into the plane or down onto the tarmac, either direction, can be a leap of faith. In or out of a marriage; if the leap is done as a whole person,aware of your head and heart, it can be faithful. Thanks for your time Bea.
      Reply to this
    • 10/22/2006 9:56 AM bill treudt wrote:
      Great memories for Joan and I. Len would approach our place on the lake
      from the north. Fly a circle or two
      around our place and then head for the
      landing strip at the dam. Fishing and
      warm relations followed.
      Reply to this
      1. 10/28/2006 11:01 AM Bea Larsen wrote:
        Bill: Len always called upon arrival at a destination. When visiting you and Joan his words always reflected his having landed midst the warmth of loving family, not to mention the opportunity to fish, another treasured pastime. Nice memories .

        Reply to this
    • 10/24/2006 11:58 AM Diane wrote:
      I applaud your courage- manifested in my opinion, on several levels. But I wonder, why did you feel you had to fly into the wilds of Alaska if that was Len's dream but your nightmare...is that what "good" wives did?

      On the other hand, did Len ever expect or think a "good " husband would anticipate his wife would want to make a choice about participating in his dream as well? Or maybe he did?

      Did you find this dynamic repeating itself in other relationships?And your approach was the same?
      Reply to this
      1. 10/28/2006 11:21 AM Bea Larsen wrote:
        Been thinking long and hard since reading your comment, Diane.  I think it bespeaks, to some extent, the difference in our generations. Yes, I did feel I was seriously letting him down by not being a willing, even enthusiastic, companion in whatever he chose to do. That was, without question, the message I received as a young girl, and not an easy one to shake. The role of the "good wife" was clear.

        As for whether Len, as the good husband that he was, should or could have anticipated that my choice, or my discomfort, which I, no doubt unwisely, kept  hidden from him for some time? A difficult question. Once he knew, he was incredulous for a long time and was sure that I could be reasoned, educated, out of my fears. Don't you think we all tend to project onto others our own world view? At least until we have good cause to learn otherwise?

        I loved to visit art galleries. A lover of art, he was reluctant to accompany me. I eventually learned that he was sure there was always an expectation on the part of gallery owners, and surely the artist if he/she was present, that he would make a purchase.  I suffered with no such expectation. Was hard to convince him otherwise, but eventually did, sort of. Ah, old scripts!


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    • 10/24/2006 7:50 PM marie hill wrote:
      My Dad took up flying when my mother died after 24 years of marriage. Unlike you Bea, I loved every minute, the cross country trip, the stunt flying, the sunsets over Cape Cod. My husband was initiated into our family in a two-seater open cock-put and we waved to each other as my Dad flew Brennan over our family home in CT, wings flapping. Brennan put up with the flying for years and my issue was the macho thing of Dad and 5 brothers who competed endlessly, and marrying a strong man who could admit his fear of heights and fly for me though he did not enjoy it one bit. My Dad gave up flying after much resistance and I have learned that some real men love to fly in small planes and some don't. I love them both. Marie Hill
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      1. 10/28/2006 11:39 AM Bea Larsen wrote:
        Marie: would you believe that my muscles tighten just reading your enchanting comment? Many years ago, I even took a "pinch-hitter" course (both on the ground and in the air) thinking knowing how to land the plance in a "pinch" would resolve my anxiety. Didn't work. Quit before it was over. Ah, well.

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