Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
|
|
Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
|
|
|
Letting Go This entry was posted on 12/30/2006 6:25 PM and is filed under Generally Speaking. "I just held on to his tail, the
dog did all the pulling", a not very funny joke remembered from
childhood. It came to mind as I talked with the adult daughter of an old
friend.
Her beloved companion of over twenty years, a philosopher of international reputation, had recently died. They had both a professional and intimate relationship, though never married. Little material wealth accumulated, but his library was significant, including the books authored by him, researched and edited by her. Now members of his family were disputing her right to keep the books, and receive the copyrights. His last Will, revised often in his final years, was inconclusive.To her considerable distress, she was embroiled in Probate Court litigation she could ill afford. As we talked, it was evident the legal issues were complex and the outcomes anything but predictable. My experiences as a mediator for family members engaged in contesting a Will, had allowed me to witness the intensity of the need to prove, too late, that "mother loved me best." Rational solutions, compromises, were repeatedly and tearfully disdained. So, I probed. Was there significant monetary value at issue? No. And of the vast library, ownership of only 250 books were in dispute, those made more prized by his handwritten notes in the margins. The sentimental value of these volumes was considerable, and she wished to be able to republish those that went out of print, so sought the copyrights. Anger and resentment over the litigation, anxiety about the cost and the outcomes, and the presence of these unwelcome players in her life, colored her days and nights and intruded on both her mourning and her efforts to move on. Would this also effect her physical well-being? So hard to know when to just let go and look to the future (even without some cherished belongings and entitlements), and honor the loved one in other ways. Can one measure the toll of possible years of combat, against the peace which might be achieved by simply opting out of the fight? A successful author in her own right, a memoir was already begun, a loving effort which will have great meaning, for her, and for those who followed and revered the cherished partner. What about sending this message to family members who are now adversaries: We all loved this man in different ways. I request ownership of the library we shared, and would value the copyrights, to be able to perpetuate his work. But, I will no longer devote resources or energy to this strife. Do what you think fair. In the midst of hostility, stepping back and assessing alternate choices, and the likely consequence of each choice, may be the smart way to decide whether to stop holding on to (or pulling) the tail. CommentsDisplay comments as (Linear | Threaded)
|
|
|