Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries

Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in
Cincinnati, Ohio 
Bea V. Larsen

For a number of years Bea V. Larsen, senior mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in Cincinnati, Ohio [www.cfrdmediation.com], presented weekly commentaries on WVXU radio, both on her professional work as a mediator and on more personal or general experiences. These broadcasts reached thousands of listeners in a number of midwestern states and elicited many comments. This new series of online commentaries will continue that tradition, now broadcast to the world via the internet. Comments, which can be posted directly to this blog, are warmly encouraged. More personal background information can be read in the "Introductions" category below.
 

At a Loss For Words

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This entry was posted on 4/20/2007 7:00 AM and is filed under Personally Speaking.


    My friend, Paul, was in a quandary, and when he told me what had happened, I joined him in his loss for words.

    The story: A few weeks ago Paul lunched with a colleague following a business meeting. At the meeting, a woman who both of them met for the first time that morning, had raised serous questions about a position taken by his luncheon companion (we'll call him Dick), and Dick's anger, though controlled, had flared.

    As they slid into the restaurant booth, Dick remarked: These lesbians can be relentless. (said with a jocular, "if you know what I mean" grin). Picking up his menu, Paul's response was silence. They ordered lunch, the subject shifted, and the derisive comment simply evaporated without rejoinder.

    But Paul's discomfort did not evaporate, and now, weeks later, we sat pondering how that remark might have been (should have been) countered. We both have friends, colleagues and family members who are gay or lesbian, and felt offended and angered revisiting that scene. Yet, we were at a loss for the words that might have been spoken in response.

    Oh, we had no trouble designing cutting insults to induce embarrassment, or to label Dick a bigot, but he was someone with whom Paul would continue to work. And even if he were not, an aggressive remark which would add to the discomfort of the moment, was not in Paul's repertoire. Yet, remaining silent, he felt lacking in courage, defeated.

    If the goal is to raise consciousness and not to simply confront or demean, which might just harden beliefs, another approach is needed.

    I've asked friends how they would respond to an ugly remark, a pejorative identity statement, and none had a sound rejoinder. All had experienced similar conversations and also remained silent, often walking away, if the setting allowed.

    After thought and some reading (see the fine book identified below), I think I've come up with a good approach.

    Bigoted remarks can be addressed with a non-defensive question, simply seeking further exploration of the meaning. The question must express genuine curiosity and be non-accusatory, and asked with an open, non-critical tone, an inflection which sincerely invites a thoughtful response.

    For example: Dick, tell me why you think that's so?

    Even if the response continues in the same disparaging vein, at least a conversation has begun, and the way open to a sharing of experience and knowledge. Genuine curiosity would appear to be the key.

    On the other hand, Dick might simply answer: I guess that was a pretty ignorant remark. Then, a simple "yes"  will suffice with, perhaps, a smile.

 
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See: Taking the War Out of Our Words by Sharon Strand Ellison


 

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    • 4/21/2007 11:15 AM Ellen Wathen wrote:
      Thank you for some very useful advice. I will keep this in mind when someone makes a disparaging comment about someone because of their race, appearance, or sexual orientation. Usually I've just been silent and uncomfortable, but your column gives me some other non-critical ways to deal with these situations.
      Reply to this
      1. 4/23/2007 10:03 AM Bea Larsen wrote:
        Ellen: It is always so good to learn that something I have thought about long and hard has become a useful idea for a reader. Many thanks for letting me know.

        Reply to this
      2. 4/30/2007 2:17 PM Peg Wilds wrote:
        Bea, my dear friend, Jenny, introduced you to us.

        My husband and I learned on the same day that both our children are gay. My son is a physician and my daughter is a Ph.D candidate. We have dealt with the topic in this article for years, never knowing what to say -- I am much more open about it and sharing than my husband who still refuses to question his fundamentalistic background and, quite frankly, that disgusted me until recently when I came to realize through his near death that I was not responsible for him -- something I have tried to do for everyone my whole life. And it was after studying existentialism (again) via Dr. Bob Solomon, a philosopher from U. Texas and who died recently from a heart condition suddenly, so much about religous versus spiritual beliefs, though I have been both a deacon and elder in the church. And my children are both on the board of leadership at their respective churces, both of which are inclusive churces and have inclusiveness as a tenet. Yet, my husband has intructed me to not speak about our childrens' orientation around his friends. I am not nearly as conflicted today about how to discuss it -- your article was helpful. I must say that my husband does express his love for his children; however, it is an enigma to me that he doesn't accept their orientation and he is highly educated. Your article was very helpful -- though I find so much discrimination against gays, blacks, Hispanics (my daughter has an adopted baby from Guatemala whom both of us love dearly), and others who are unlike others in churches and everywhere. I am about to stop even going to church because such topics are not open but behind the scenes -- subsequently nothing positive can occur as a result. I firmly believe that prejudice is taught and so hard to resolve in one's life, though my educational experiences as a professor of psychiatric nursing, as a dean of a college, and now as a consultant to many colleges and universities in thr South, make me so much less discriminatory against any group simply because it doesn't make sense. My quandry, I suppose, is the limited social discussion and interactions by my husband and me because of his directive and his attitude. I plan to review the book you listed and be more forthright with my husband and treat him as a person and not my husband when it comes to this issue.

        Jenny suggested that I read this -- and I am so happy she did. She thinks the world of you and I am pleased that you have been there for her. I thank you so much for what you do.



        Reply to this
        1. 5/6/2007 12:42 PM Bea Larsen wrote:
          I am so pleased that our mutual friendship with Jenny has yielded our connection. The past week has been a particularly hectic one for me, hence this delayed response. But your letter has been on my mind for some portion of each and every day since it was received.

          I am particularly drawn to your comments about the stress placed on your relationship with your husband because of his inability to discard a lifetime belief about sexuality. Our old childhood scripts do seem to get a grip on us which is difficult to move beyond. Len (my husband of 53 years) and I grew up in very different worlds and although our basic values melded well, there were often areas of difference. The long hair and anti-war movement of the sixties and seventies, when our sons were teenagers and even our younger daughter was being carried along on the wave of the sexual revolution, was a particularly tense time in our house. I know that our determination to keep talking, and to seek helpful interventions from time to time, saved the day.

          Am I right that perhaps the most difficult aspect of what you describe is the mandate of secrecy? I am convinced, from my own experience and that of others who have confided in me, that family secrets are corroding. On two occasions, secrets in our extended families certainly limited our having a genuine relationship with the secret holders. But Len and I were always able to share our mutual feelings about this with each other, which I so valued. Perhaps this is why the stress placed on your relationship with your husband by both his attitude and his mandate of secrecy touches me so.`   

          As educated as you are in the human psyche, your determination to become more forthright will, I know, be carried out with sensitivity and caring, and I hope will prove a positive step for you both. Not easy. I am convinced that initially there need not be mutuality of change in a relationship, just one person taking a small step can cause meaningful shifts for both. That was a lesson it took me a long time to learn.

          Again, thank you for sending your thoughts and insights.

          Regards, Bea



          Reply to this
    • 4/24/2007 1:54 AM paul willen wrote:
      An innocuous and earnest question, as you suggested, is good advice in any situation that is going out of control.
      I too will keep it in mind.
      For example, when are you going to tell us the promised second half of that great story about Len, the singer, and your son?
      With my unceasinhg admiration,
      Paul
      Reply to this
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