Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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The Throwaway Line This entry was posted on 9/8/2007 3:22 PM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. I did not fully realize anger was in the room until they were walking out the door. A step ahead of her, looking away, his tone flat, he said: when are you moving out? Was I meant to overhear these words? I wasn't sure, but they surprised me. Just moments before, as their first mediation session ended, an agreement was made to postpone the decision about which parent would remain living in the marital residence, or whether it should be sold. More financial data was needed and budgets not yet developed. So, it was agreed that for a time they would remain under the same roof. For fourteen years these marriage partners struggled to draw closer together and from time to time succeeded, but the husband's recent severe depression tipped the balance, became the catalyst for their decision to end the relationship. During the time we were all together, they were amiable and calm, smiling and nodding in affirmation as each spoke, the focus on how they could best continue to care for their children. This negotiation would go smoothly, or so I thought. Then, privately the husband confided that over the past year, his wife had literally turned her back on him, and withdrew at his touch. He knew it was time to move on. I asked about counseling, but although treated for the depression, he now saw no need. He was sure that with autonomy would come the return of his emotional equilibrium. The wife's concern, expressed in confidence, was her husband's outbursts aimed at their troubled adolescent son. She feared that when she was no longer present, no one would moderate their increasingly hostile exchanges. The remark he made as they left my office, almost as an aside, confused me. A painful jab, a contradiction of how they had presented when together, and of what had just been resolved. My educated guess: this smiling man is a very angry man, both of them on their good behavior in my presence, but with tumult just below the surface. . . . . . . . . . . I'm no stranger to this mystery. My husband's oft spoken throwaway line was usually addressed to my back as I worked in the kitchen or sat at my desk: I'm going for a walk. Was that an announcement or an invitation? Unable to read his mind, I would just nod, silent but hurt, feeling excluded. Over time and after some difficult conversations, I learned to ask: on your own or do you want company? He usually did. . . . . . . . . . When they return, I will ask this client-husband to clear up the meaning of his parting shot. Perhaps it will open the door to an important story yet to be told and understood. Even provide a chance to design an agreement that will, to some extent, diffuse his anger. Throwaway lines. Spoken into the air as someone is walking away, off handed but ambiguous. Attention should be paid. |
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