Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Why Marry? This entry was posted on 10/27/2007 12:43 PM and is filed under Generally Speaking. The divorce rate is declining. Good news? Or a reflection of the reality that fewer people are getting married? And why should they? Friends have posed that question. Not young people, but middle aged and beyond, in committed relationships. They listen to what I say about the legal protections afforded those who marry, but really want to talk about the more intangible benefits, or deficits. Will marriage strengthen or put their treasured relationship at risk? Will their bond become a resented bind? Having married over fifty years ago when this question never surfaced, I usually opt for marriage. Romanticism? Perhaps. A vivid memory: Just a year or so after we married, I walked alone across campus in a wintery drizzle. Len had been remote for a few days and I, only twenty years old, assumed it was because he was unhappy with me. I was flooded with fear and dread, not for the loss of our love, but wondering how I could possibly tell my parents that our marriage had failed. When our children were young, even if one of us was sometimes dejected, thoughts of divorce were kept at bay. But we had 27 years together after our last chick flew off. Every marriage is subject to the shifting sands of cultural change. The changes in the 1960s and 1970s were profound, titanic. I know there were moments when our marriage felt like a cage, but was that cage the structure that roused us to do the work to weather the storm? Would we have found a way to meet each other’s needs anyway, even if not married? How can I really know? Happily, the love and joy was always greater than the angst, and we kept our balance. I’ve asked friends in their fifties and sixties, some married, others not, why they chose the path they did. Said one: We gave it serious thought and at first planned to marry, but in the end we knew that even though our love and trust was complete, trying to jointly manage some aspects of our lives as a married couple could cause serious conflict. Now, fifteen years later, the vows we exchanged over the kitchen table are just as enduring as if recorded at the courthouse. Said another: We knew we wanted to openly declare our love and commitment to each other and celebrate that with our friends. Marriage was the right answer for us, and we never considered another course. Said another: Wonderfully happy in my relationship, I agonized over the decision to marry, knowing I would first have to shake off the wrongheaded model of marriage handed down to me by my father. I finally did. When young, my generation had no such choice. If we wanted to be together, it was either marriage or scandal. Now boomers have entered their middle years, having come of age during the sexual revolution, encouraged by many a pied piper to openly defy parental values. Even the majority who reentered the mainstream will likely feel free to shape their love relationships to their own design. I suspect for most women, the evolutionary pull for the protected nest, and gravity’s pull of aging, gives the marriage proposal a certain import, even if the offer is declined. And I suspect that for most men, resisting the evolutionary pull to impregnate far and wide, actually offers greater freedom to relax and focus on a satisfying union. Purveyors of “family values” may rail at the erosion of the marriage rules, but the genie of free choice is smiling, and will not willingly slide back into the bottle. |
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