Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Guilt This entry was posted on 12/8/2007 10:54 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. She called to ask for the first available appointment because her husband, feeling guilty about an affair, was proposing a generous settlement. My silence told the story. I thought: don’t count on it, guilt fades fast. As if able to read my mind, she laughed, and I thought I heard a knowing sadness. The first mediation session was scheduled for the next week. The husband’s culpability, unchallenged, was spoken of at our first encounter, and hung in the air each time we met. Yet he remained steadfast in his offer of substantial financial support for his wife, for many years to come. When promises earlier made are broken, the betrayal becomes the focal point. It’s easy in those first days to be simplistic and blaming. But with the passage of time, the breach, initially seen as the cause of the rift, is often recast as the effect of expectations unmet. Regrets unattended. Sometimes this is a reality perceived only by the actor, sometimes by both players. As this shift from cause to effect evolves, the injured party may well get advice from family and friends to move forward quickly and take full advantage of their partner’s remorse. But experience has taught me that regret, or even the admission of fault, is a shaky foundation for lasting agreements. I met alone with the husband wanting to assure myself that his decisions were well considered and would not crumble before pen was put to paper. I wondered aloud whether it was guilt or compassion that was motivating his largess? His response was a question: Does it matter? What’s wrong with feeling guilty and doing what I can to put those thoughts to rest? I know the reasons for our failure are not all of my doing. But this is less about looking back than about looking forward. I’m not atoning or even offering compensation. I want us both to get on with life. She’ll be secure, and I’ll feel better about myself. Leave it at that. I was chastened. Will he still feel he made good decisions some years hence? Impossible to know, but his values prevailed, respected by me, prized by his wife. Guilt has gotten a bad name in our feel good age, the sources to be analyzed and exorcised. Was I misguided in my cynical assumption that guilt, met with blame would ultimately fade, fuel anger, even retribution? When instead it motivates compassion and a recognition of shared human frailty, is that the exception that probes the rule? CommentsDisplay comments as (Linear | Threaded)
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