Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Threatened By Fantasy This entry was posted on 2/2/2008 11:17 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. I wish I could think and write intelligently about pornography. I’ve read some of the position papers of well known academic feminists for whom it is an unmitigated evil, but the very existence of a $60 billion global industry represents a demand they do not address, except to seek censorship. Does prohibition ever work? My vantage point is narrow, and the forms presented to me do not involve children or violence. Pornography enters my world when the viewing is seen as a symptom of the disintegration of a marriage. But as a cause or an effect? Despite the many stories clients have told, I don’t know. Wives bemoan a spouse's internet travel. They believe a vivid fantasy life threatens the marriage bond. For some the question is a moral one, their upbringing or religious belief affords them absolute clarity of judgment. But for most, their partner's involvement, clandestine, or at least a solitary activity, evokes concern that what is viewed creates a yearning that erodes commitment. Is that inevitable? I meet with those for whom this has become a defining negative issue. And because open discussion of this taboo is rare, I have no knowledge of how others cope. The conversations I have with the men, the watchers, are superficial and brief. They’ve been “outed” and neither deny nor make excuses. In every respect known to me, they are honorable and healthy, supporting their families, devoted to their children. Their exterior life is on display. Their interior lives, behind their masks, allows them to travel wherever they wish. Except, now they are met with rage or sullen silence, their family at risk. About less oppressive, more familiar fantasies, I can think and write intelligently. There is probably not a married person alive who has not, in their interior life at least, envisioned the "what ifs?" What if I’d married someone else? What if we separated or divorced? What if in ten years I live with regret for having missed important opportunities? What if I seek some major changes in my life right now, and give them primacy over the accepted norms that have developed in my marriage? I remember some of those times when the "what ifs?" were on my mind, and times when I imagined my husband asking himself similar questions. Some of those moments were scary. But these daydreams turned out to be healthy, even if unsettling. For eventually we talked. They provoked change, small steps that gently shifted established patterns or even major moves that altered life’s course. These are speculations we can honor, whether enticing or scary, whether about intimacy, a job change or even global disaster, and when one day comfortable doing so, talk about them. Is that also possible in the realm of explicit, deceptively idealized sexuality? Is porn inevitably a destructive force? May it also bring important questions into the open? If a more nuanced discussion could be had, rather than unwavering judgment and blame assigned, might changes then be made to improve upon the reality, the fantasy world recognized as just that? Or is that a fantasy? CommentsDisplay comments as (Linear | Threaded)
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