Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Going Along To Get Along This entry was posted on 3/8/2008 11:03 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. On the day we first meet, I spend time alone with each new client, and ask how disputes were resolved during their marriage. It’s helpful to understand their negotiating style, and essential that I uncover any claim of intimidation. She said: I just went along to get along. And when she noted my knowing smile, my eyebrows raised as if questioning the truth of her words, she became more insistent: I really did. Even if we argued bitterly, I’d give in just to keep the peace. I explained my curious glance, telling her that often both parties deliver the same message, that they were the one who was passive in the face of disagreement, the one who always surrendered. And this was exactly what her husband had told me moments before. My personal experience suggests that most of those living in contented relationships aren’t shy about trying to influence their partner when differences arise. Talking, back and forth, weighing of options. Humor may diffuse rising tension, and even when hurtful words are spoken, always knowing wounds can be healed. Perhaps a touch, as a reminder of loving, of respect, becomes the promise of a million new beginnings. But more often than not, when a relationship is ending, has been eroding for some time, each person sees themselves as the one who always accommodated to the other’s wishes or demands. As improbable as it seems, I think both perceptions are sincerely voiced, that personal power has been relinquished, or taken away. Resentments build until the delicate balance tips. So, is there something important to note here? How differently has the couple that is falling apart been living during the years of growing unhappiness? Has the ice become too thin to risk discussion, when they are hoping to avoid the break up, clinging to the chance of remaining together? Is each slowly losing, giving up their authentic self in the struggle, at times acting out in anger, at other times quietly swallowing their words? And as one assumes the role of decider and the other retreats, are the last words spoken at day’s end: not tonight, I have a headache . . . . Are these the moments most remembered, the times when wishes were compromised or submerged, sacrificing the sense of self? Friends ask if it isn’t depressing to witness the sadness of those I work with. It is not. For, here is the hope: now they head for life apart, autonomy restored. Once anxiety about the unknown diminishes with the development of a plan for the future, the freedom to again be authentic will one day lift despair. A new beginning. CommentsDisplay comments as (Linear | Threaded)
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