Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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The Dream Divorce This entry was posted on 3/29/2008 11:36 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. They were smiling when they walked into the room, but not when they left. As mediation began, each echoed the other’s intent to be fair and amiable throughout the process. Fantasy.
After months of anguished talk, tears, recrimination, and efforts to be forgiving, they made the decision to end their marriage. Together, the night before, they told their children. Divorce. The kids said little, but both parents thought it had gone pretty well. Maybe. Sheepishly they described a new found sense of well-being, the scariest of demons confronted. Facades maintained at great personal cost could be dropped. There was nothing more to lose. Surrender. I was reluctant to be the one to bring them down, but I knew the crazy-making days were not over. Difficult issues were bound to arise. The standards of fairness to which each of them aspired would diverge, even clash. Reality. As the weeks passed and their negotiations continued, they were able to agree in almost every respect about how they would share time with and take responsibility for their children, proving my predictions flawed. But then the issue of support arose. How would he provide for her from his considerable income, and for how long? Lips tightened and faces grew grim. We shifted the discussion to the preparation of budgets, looking to the future. He, who had rarely shopped for groceries and never for children’s clothing, scrutinized her figures and saw ways she could cut back. Her response: You’ve got to be kidding! His response: Get a job! Anger. I knew they would work through this difficult phase and told them so, but it wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. They were moving into their separate lives. He needed to give up his past ability to influence her spending, and be realistic about her earning potential. She needed to give up her determination to maintain her financial status quo without reentering the market place. Autonomy. Now they faced the reality of their contrasting values and plans. Multiple options were proposed and discussed. Words signifying understanding, although sometimes still tinged with anger, slowly moved them towards compromise. Bargaining. Then an insignificant yet seemingly insoluble issue raised their ire, and blocked completion of the task: pending sale, who would maintain the monthly fee for the time share neither now wanted. Impasse. Experts describe this shift as an attempt by one or both to actually put off ending the relationship. The devil you know may be better than the devil you don’t know. Hesitation. Anxiety about the future was real. Would she find a meaningful job? Would either ever find love again? When their children were absent, would loneliness pervade their lives? Their dream divorce really was a dream. But when they woke up, they moved on. Acceptance. And in their waking world, she found a part-time job and returned to school. He postponed golf and is learning to cook. Together they will visit their children's teachers. Courage. |
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