Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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She Stands By Her Man This entry was posted on 4/5/2008 10:50 AM and is filed under Generally Speaking. I’ve followed Elliott Spitzer’s fall from grace, and carefully read the details in the national press. I prefer to think that my interest, as a lawyer, is due to the complexity of the legal issues, not the curiosity of a voyeur. But intriguing questions do arise about his motivation, beyond the excitement of furtive sex. To be caught? Assume he’s invincible? Even more puzzling is why the women I know, and those who write op-ed columns and blogs, are so critical of his wife, of all of the wives who stand by their man, put on the powder blue suit and pearls, and usually say nothing, as a husband confesses to sexual misdeeds. Are those who denounce her simply projecting, imagining the anger they would feel if in her place, and feel thwarted by her apparent passivity? But even allowing for that, the wife receives almost as much censure, scorn, as the straying husband. Why? The suggestion is made that her behavior is demeaning to all women, that she somehow strips herself of person hood, becomes his foil, gives his behavior legitimacy. They ask: What message is she sending to her daughters? Tacit approval of their father’s actions? That she is willing to be a docile victim? Or worse, that she is the one at fault? Not a good enough wife or he would not have strayed? I share none of these judgments of a wife who agrees to be part of the public tableau. I assume that in each case the reasons are different, unique to the relationship in that particular marriage, and her own personal history. She’s entitled to privacy and the benefit of the doubt. And time to heal, supported by her sisters, not vilified. These were my thoughts in the days immediately following the Spitzer drama. I urged friends to simply respect the choices she made. But then the story took a turn. In the week after the resignation, when the dust had begun to settle, former staff, no longer loyal to their boss, talked to mainstream reporters about Spitzer’s frequent uncontrolled rages, directed at supporters as well as adversaries. Some former colleagues were named, others quoted without attribution. In detail, they described meetings with then Governor Spitzer, and earlier when he was a prosecutor, at which he often became so angry he reddened and loudly spewed forth obscenities, maligning those who had not performed exactly as he wished. The picture drawn was of a man seeking total control, but out of control. This is in many ways more disturbing than his need for risky sexual adventure. Can it be that such furious raging is limited to his professional life? That doesn’t seem likely. Was this what his wife was subjected to behind closed doors? If so, this is a different ball game. I draw a sharp distinction between a wife freely deciding to publicly display loyalty to a husband who has fallen because of sexual misadventures, and support which is the consequence of undisclosed intimidation. Being smart, sophisticated or rich does not preclude dread generated by past experience of overpowering fury, even if no physical violence followed. Obviously, I cannot know, and these thoughts are built on inference. But now I wonder if such is the case. If so, I hope friends are speaking up and offering her a path to safer ground. |
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