Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries

Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in
Cincinnati, Ohio 
Bea V. Larsen

For a number of years Bea V. Larsen, senior mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in Cincinnati, Ohio [www.cfrdmediation.com], presented weekly commentaries on WVXU radio, both on her professional work as a mediator and on more personal or general experiences. These broadcasts reached thousands of listeners in a number of midwestern states and elicited many comments. This new series of online commentaries will continue that tradition, now broadcast to the world via the internet. Comments, which can be posted directly to this blog, are warmly encouraged. More personal background information can be read in the "Introductions" category below.
 

The Second Question

Print the article

This entry was posted on 4/12/2008 11:05 AM and is filed under Personally Speaking.


   I talk to people in elevators, in the early morning when I descend to the lobby of my apartment building to collect my newspaper, and at day’s end when fellow passengers are also weary and happy to be home. Even unfamiliar faces open to a smile, a passing comment on the weather and the question: how are you?

    Almost invariably the answer is: fine.

    And we part wishing each other well.

    A graceful verbal pas de deux.

    When shopping some weeks ago, a woman approached me, familiar, but out of our usual context. In but a second there was recognition, she a physician I see annually, I a patient of long standing.
 
    My smile met hers and she asked: how are you?
   
    My response: fine.

    Then she asked the second question: Really fine?        

    No longer an elevator conversation. She moved beyond the pro forma query and the automatic response, not settling for the dance.

    As it happens I was in good spirits, so reaffirmed my initial answer. But later, I recalled her second question and realized I was grateful for her persistent interest. It caused me to consider how often I ask only the first question, even of close friends and family. Too busy, or self absorbed, or maybe would rather not know?

    Why rather not know?
 
    On reflection, I‘ve gained some insight: when our kids were young and became ill, I snapped into action, and took charge of their recovery with a purposeful ease. I had the power and control to select the right doctor and administer the care that would make them well. This was the role a mother should play, and I did. Taking over in this way, my anxiety eased.

    But years later, when our children were grown and independent, a major medical issue arose for an adult son. It was Len who became the more attentive parent when surgery was needed, traveling alone some distance to be with our son and his wife. It was Len who frequently called to ask how the recovery and follow up treatment was going. I waited to be told, was to some degree avoidant. No less concerned, but now with the decisions ceded to others, my anxiety grew.

    I think this is why: Len could listen and be empathic about a problem faced by one of our kids, without believing he had to influence the outcome. Not me. I slipped back to my old mother script, longed to protect even grown children and reestablish their equilibrium. But now I had no ability to do so. A new boundary was acknowledged, but no longer in charge, worry took over. My withdrawal was self-protective.
 
    It has taken me far too long to learn that simply listening, seeking to understand and expressing sympathy is enough. No need to offer the right advice and take responsibility for the outcome. And giving up that mandate, which still requires a mindful pause, in time restores calm.
    
    Now I ask the second question more often, of friends and family. Sometimes, I will even ask the third question: anything I can do?
 
    I expect the answer will probably be: no, but it’s good to talk it over.

    Just the asking brings comfort, for both of us. And on these new terms, I really do want to know.



 

What did you think of this article?




Trackbacks
Trackback specific URL for this entry
  • Trackbacks are closed for this entry.
Comments
    Display comments as (Linear | Threaded)

    • 4/12/2008 12:00 PM regine ransohoff wrote:
      I think that as mothers we are the ones to solve the problems- do the care-taking etc. When our children no longer want us to solve their problems, its time for another approach. Most men don't have Len's capacity to just be a sounding board and to be supportive without offering advice. My brother, the psychoanalyst always told me that unsolicited advice implied a lack of something in the person to whom it is directed. The sounding board persona, more common to men, can be very helpful at that time.
      Reply to this
    Leave a comment

    Submitted comments will be subject to moderation before being displayed.

     Enter the above security code (required)

     Name

     Email (will not be published)

     Website

    Your comment is 0 characters limited to 3000 characters.



      
    Copyright . http://BEALARSEN.COM. All rights reserved.