Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Parental Debate Cancelled This entry was posted on 4/19/2008 10:49 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. He said: If only I could make you see, convince you of the harm . . . In frustration he stopped talking, jaw clenched. Seated on my office couch, he turned to face his ex-wife, eyes pleading for her understanding. Staring straight ahead, her body rigid and poised to respond, her words were clipped: you just don’t get it! A classic argument ensued, one not unique to divorced parents. A classic truth: trying to convince someone that you are right and they are wrong seldom works. The details hardly matter. This father of two young children complained that his ex-wife was so overly protective that their youngsters were growing up fearful about taking even the slightest physical risk. He had arranged for them to go on a canoe camping trip, which he assured her would be well supervised. She remained anxious and refused to give permission. To convey to me the irresponsibility of his past decisions, she said he repeatedly ignored the children’s serious health issues, citing a recent example: when their daughter had a temperature of 101, he had allowed her to go swimming. Our standards usually mimic those of our own early experience. If motivated we can open ourselves up to learning new ways, but being willing to change rarely coexists with the need to defend against verbal attack, or even gentle disparagement of our behavior. These two were on the brink of returning to Court, but for now were willing to try talking about their differences. Several years earlier they had spent a few months mediating to resolve their divorce issues, so had built up some reserve of trust. Maybe they could find a way to get the other to shift in their thinking. And once calm was restored, they did. Reminded that their own self-interest lay in meeting the interests of the other, after some venting, they were able to sit back, listen and look for ways to stop the alienating debate, and come towards each other. Ultimately, here was the compromise: Father agreed to provide detailed information about the supervision the children would have during the adventure he'd planned. He would collect the names of all the parents whose children had taken the trip the year before and help her contact them, if she wished. She was also to have the opportunity to speak directly or meet with the adults who would be in charge. Mother agreed to provide a list of illness symptoms, which would trigger father’s obligation to check with her before allowing the children to take part in special activities he had planned. Then if unable to reach an accord, they would follow the advice of their pediatrician. Were these parents changing their views in any essential way? Hardly. But they were accommodating to each other’s interests in a way that ultimately met their own. Not perfectly, but close enough. Until the next time. |
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