Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Take It Or Leave It This entry was posted on 5/17/2008 9:33 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. The eyes of the woman seated on my office couch brimmed with tears. At my request, her husband had just left the room. This was their third mediation session and they'd been making steady progress, inch by inch, working out the terms for dissolving what had become a peaceful but joyless marriage. The decision to part had not been made lightly. For a time, they see-sawed back and forth and tried, with a skilled counselor, to reverse the downward slide. But now both felt sure they were making the right decision. And once their direction was clear and mutual, calm had returned to their home, the children secure in the knowledge of their parent's ongoing love for them. The property settlement was complicated by the need to value the husband's business. The expert they had chosen had not yet completed his report. More data was needed, but a time-table was in place. On this day, the husband's patience was spent. Just moments into the session, he abruptly presented a global settlement proposal and then forcefully said: this is it, take it or leave it! His wife was silent and looked to me for rescue. When we were alone, I asked: did something happen since we last met? She understood my question, and reported that after getting the kids off to school that morning, he had opened the invitation to their college reunion. Her husband had been a star athlete, the proverbial big man on campus. That was twenty years and thirty pounds ago. While he steadily climbed in the corporate world, nothing had matched those glory days. The reunion invitations sometimes triggered a few days of gloom. Now it enhanced his "is this all there is" stance, which was, in part, the rationale for ending the marriage. We explored her choices in light of his ultimatum: Reject his proposal, which might mean terminating their negotiation efforts. Try to make him see that his position was unreasonable. Or: Disregard, just look beyond his demand, and help him find a way back to the table. I invited him to return to the room. He sank heavily onto the other end of the couch, his large frame somewhat more relaxed. She turned to face him: I'm not sure, but I think I may understand how you're feeling. The slightest nod of the head from him. We shifted to talking about documents that still needed to be collected, and made a plan for appraising the house. No mention of his edict was made by either of them, or by me. The temptation is so great, when we are verbally threatened, to respond in kind: Oh, well, if you think you can . . . . .sparking further escalation. The emotion that triggers a downward slide may be provoked by a barbed remark or perceived slight during the negotiation. But sometimes, as was the case here, outside events cause an emotional state that can be ignited by a seemingly innocent comment. Here it had happened so early in our meeting, an outside source seemed likely. Meeting an ultimatum by probing to understand the underlying emotion can be the key to reaching agreement. Then, when it's possible to take a short time out and evade the challenge, allowing the belligerent one to calm and save face, forward motion can resume. As they rose to leave, the wife addressed her husband: Thanks for thinking things through to the point of designing a proposal. Talk it over next time? His response: works for me. No smile, but I knew we were back on track. CommentsDisplay comments as (Linear | Threaded)
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