Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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A Troubled Friend This entry was posted on 6/14/2008 10:05 AM and is filed under Personally Speaking. One of the great joys of getting older are friendships that span decades, being so well known, without the need to defend when feeling vulnerable or weaknesses are exposed. Paul and I talk often since the death of his wife four years ago, she a good friend as well. In his early seventies, retired, and in robust health, last year he’d become intimate with another woman, and reveled in his new found love. She, eight years younger and still engaged in her work, also expressed delight about their coming together. But now the bloom was fading. We met to share a meal and his description of their recent conversations was disturbing. Her angry outbursts, not experienced early on, were now frequent. His phone calls were not returned for days and should he call a second time, he was berated for being too intrusive, treated with scorn. She was less and less enthusiastic about spending time with him. Yet, he persisted and reported that when they were together things went well. He seemed completely captivated, and unwilling to give up this connection, but the puzzling unpredictability of her behavior was causing him anguish and many sleep-disturbed nights. He’d been losing weight and wasn’t looking well. I offered only a listening ear, having long ago learned not to take on the role of armchair therapist with troubled friends, though I urged him to consult a skilled professional. Initially he resisted the idea of seeing a “shrink”, but eventually he did, and to my relief found the experience both reassuring and enlightening. Yet, the abusive (my unspoken view) relationship continued. When we met a month or so ago, he talked of having gained insight into her troubling behavior, perhaps even a disturbed personality. This awareness allowed him to view her actions as less a function of who he was, and more as a serious deficit of her own. He said he and his counselor were also exploring why he accepted such harsh treatment so willingly, alluding to a personal history he did not share with me. The question he asked was: how does becoming more self-aware translate into being better able to cope? For he was still often miserable and mired in the past, reviewing and dissecting their conversations and the pain of rebuke. Now I did have something to offer, for in recent years I’ve been introduced to and read widely about cognitive behavior therapy, so I said: Your emotions have been pretty much out of your control. Now, better informed and self-aware, you’re starting to recognize your feelings and their origins. Pretty soon instead of being lost in your emotional response, you’ll have some perspective and not feel so overwhelmed. That will impact your thinking and ultimately affect your actions. Sounded good to me, even if a bit academic, but from Paul I received a quizzical look and a cautious: maybe. Three more weeks passed and we met for talk and an early breakfast. I learned the relationship is finally dwindling, though not yet ended. But my friend has a new tone in his voice, his bearing is more erect, and I note that the future tense has crept back into his conversation. . |
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