Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Learning New Steps This entry was posted on 6/28/2008 7:25 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. She said: you need to learn some new dance steps. On my weekly Sunday walk with a close friend, she a psychologist, I’d spoken of my inability to penetrate the gloom that had befallen my husband. Each time I probed to learn more about the source of his apparent sadness, the few words he spoke in response served to close not open the door. I queried: a new dance? Her response: Stop asking questions. That’s your old dance. Just tell him how you’re feeling, only a few sentences, no accusations and see what happens. It worked. A brief back and forth began and he shared a few important words. The next day, the new steps were repeated. A bit more disclosure and tensions eased. Some new wisdom to keep in mind. And recently the occasion arose to offer it to another. The newly separated father and mother seated on my office couch came in to address his accusation that their seven year old daughter was being turned against him. She was unwilling to talk and share her life with him, non-disclosing in response to his efforts to engage her in conversation. But when she phoned her mother from his home, she was animated and fluent. He made little effort to hide his resentment of his wife, allowing himself to believe this was all her doing. So, I suggested: maybe you need to learn some new dance steps. At the start of his weekend, the father picked up his daughter at her school. We deconstructed the usual conversation they had as she climbed into his car: He: Hi, sweetie, how was your day? She: Fine. He: Learn anything new? She: Not much. He: Any good friends in your class? She: Um hum. He: So, play with them today? She: Yes. He: What sorts of games? She: Oh, just stuff. Now frustrated, he shuts down, angry and hurt, and they ride along in silence until reaching his home, when his daughter brightens and showers affection on the dog, turns on the TV and cuddles with her pet. He feels the outsider. This conversation dance repeats many times over the next two days. Bringing to mind my past experience with a sometimes-silent partner, I suggest: Try this. Stop asking questions. Just talk about yourself, nothing too profound and not accusing or in any way critical. Maybe talk about what happened to you earlier in the day. But no questions. On return for their next visit to my office he was smiling: Amazing! Picked her up at school. No questions. Told her about the pizza I had for lunch, made with anchovies, which I hate, and what a time I had dislodging them from the layers of melted cheese. She told me about the yucky salmon patties served in the school cafeteria, and how one of the boys started tossing them around and got into trouble, and that she knew his older sister who was stuck up. So, I told her about a woman in my office who was stuck up, and she asked me why I thought people got that way. We had a great talk. Hard to know what this youngster’s feelings were when she left school with her father instead of ending the school week by returning to the parent with whom she was most comfortable. What subliminal message did she carry from her mother? Did his being the one who left their home still feel like abandonment? Was she at fault for what happened? No easy way for a seven year old to address these issues, even for herself. Was closing the door on his questions a perfect defense against revealing a confusion of emotion? No monumental disclosures were made, but tensions eased. Now the possibilities for real talk and future understandings were there again. And for comfortable silences too. |
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