Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Permission Granted This entry was posted on 7/5/2008 10:38 AM and is filed under Generally Speaking. Her eighty-eight year old father, hospitalized for over two weeks, was not expected to survive, but he did. His clear instructions: if this happens to me again, no more heroics, too much pain and too much expense. Just let me go. She was quick to respond and reassure: But, I’m not ready to let you go. Her father: This is not your decision to make. She realized he was not only stating his wishes, but also giving her permission to carry them out. The daughter in this case is a nurse and geriatric care manager. We talked over lunch about her work and she shared this view: we are so conditioned by the “shoulds” and “oughts” of the culture, religion and times in which we were raised, that sometimes we need to be given permission by another to make the wise rational decisions to best care for ourselves and our loved ones. My naïve question about her father: but didn’t he have a living will? He did. But what I learned, from her professional experience, is that despite properly executed living wills, when confronted with end of life decisions, the designated decision maker is frequently unable to act in accord with the legal document, immobilized. Permission must still be granted. Another example: A sixty-eight year old woman, the sole caretaker for her eight-four year old mother, entered the care manager’s office saying: I hate my mother. Despite a childhood endured with an alcoholic abusive parent, and a troubled distant relationship with her as an adult, when her mother could no longer live independently, the daughter felt she had no option but to provide care in her home. Both were miserable. The advice given: the obligation to honor a parent presumes having been honored, as a child and an adult. The mother was moved to a nursing home. Permission granted. And another example: The care manager attended a conference for fellow professionals who were addressed by a renowned Rabbi educator. He suggested it was time to reconsider the concept of adultery. His shocked audience was then told of a seventy-two year old man whose wife, two years earlier, suffered a major stroke that left her both physically and mentally impaired and resident in a nursing home. He sought and found the companionship of another woman, but denied himself the fullness of the relationship he desired. Permission was granted. The “shoulds” and “oughts” of life are programmed into our DNA, or so it seems. There are times when the greatest gift a friend or counselor can bestow is to sanction our setting aside restrictions and obligations we have internalized, but which no longer make sense. Even with the wisdom of years, permission must still be granted. So to my dear children: If and when the time arrives, utilize my long term care insurance to house me in a decent facility, not in your home. If you don’t live nearby, only occasional visits will be just fine. If you are close by, once a week will do. And should I no longer recognize you or treat you lovingly, just check on me once in a while. Permission granted. CommentsDisplay comments as (Linear | Threaded)
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