Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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On Being Conflict Avoidant This entry was posted on 8/23/2008 9:00 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. Why is it that being conflict avoidant works quite well for some, and spells disaster for others? Len and I typically dealt with conflict by retreating into silence. Both of us grew up in homes in which voices were rarely raised. Perhaps intuitively we knew how threatening short-tempered or critical comments would feel. I think that when we withdrew, we were able to mull over and better define what was at stake, and avoid impetuous hurtful remarks, difficult to forget. But soon the yearning to once again be close drew us into intimate talk. Important questions were asked with each of us becoming better known to the other. Compromise, or even yielding completely, became a gift of sorts. And by the time one of us reached out with a tentative touch, the steam of resentment or anger had escaped. But here’s the twist. With many divorcing couples, their story begins in the very same way. On the day I first meet with a mediating pair, I talk with each alone and ask how they resolved disputes during their marriage. Frequently both partners say that they hardly ever dealt with differences as they arose. Disputes were pushed aside and either ignored or only brought up in passing, as one or the other was leaving a room. But for them, resentments were stored away for far too long. Important questions were not asked. The steam did not escape. Another twist. When pressed further about how issues finally did get resolved, very often both parties describe themselves as always being the one to give in. In private, the thought each expresses is: I just went along to get along. How can this possibly be the reality? Yet, I think the perception is sincerely voiced. By the time their conflicts are fully acknowledged and take center stage, as they plan a future apart, each believes they accommodated to the other’s wishes or demands, and now looks back and regrets having been submissive, not seen as proof of love, but as a restraint on their true identity. And for some, in the days, weeks or months of conflict avoidance, with only polite or mundane exchanges at home, a more sympathetic ear is found, away from home. What of those whose childhood experiences are completely different, one raised in a home in which disputes were freely aired, the other home devoid of confrontation? Do they have a particularly difficult time reaching a level of comfort in dealing with discord? Is this something discovered before a commitment is made? Talked over? No doubt it should be. Oddly, even in relationships that work, both partners often perceive themselves as having been the most accommodating to the other’s wishes. Are these the moments we most remember, when we submerged our own desires, forgetting when the gift of compromise or victory was received? And, when we gave in and just went along, did our loved one always know? Many divorcing or troubled partners speak of having slowly and silently drifted apart, avoiding difficult conversations. But conflict avoidance can be a prelude to sweet reconnections, for those who timely attend to each other’s need to be better known. CommentsDisplay comments as (Linear | Threaded)
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