Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
|
|
Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
|
|
|
The Gift of Self Disclosure This entry was posted on 9/13/2008 9:57 AM and is filed under Generally Speaking. The message left on my phone: Could you find time for an early breakfast? I need some legal advice. From the tremor in the voice of my young friend, I could tell that something was wrong. We met the next morning, and without preamble she told me that her husband had suffered a mental breakdown. This man she dearly loved had become a stranger to her, and was refusing treatment. Frightened by his mood swings and bizarre accusations, she had left him and moved into the home of a colleague from work. We discussed options, personal and legal. The nervous movements of her hands belied her effort to appear calm. I asked whether she had talked things over with a counselor, friends or her parents and siblings, who lived some distance away. She had not, and urged me to keep her confidence. Remaining hopeful that somehow this nightmare would reverse itself and all would be set right again, she was protecting the privacy of her marriage, and avoiding the embarrassment of disclosure. Nor did she want to worry her family before her future plans were clear. Understandable, but I gently questioned her putting off sharing this difficult time with trusted friends and family. Couldn't she simply express uncertainty about what lay ahead? An insightful person, as we talked she confessed that her silence was, in large part, a way of avoiding revealing something that seemed shameful, both the nature of his illness and her desertion. Her tears brought the memory of my own past secrets kept too long before the telling. I told her a story of another friend who, many years ago had been diagnosed with breast cancer, when cancer still carried a stigma and was often borne in silence. Within hours of the diagnosis, she told all of her friends and family. I remember being surprised, suspecting my own reaction would have been just the opposite, to tell no one until it became impossible not to do so. But I learned a lesson from the way she reacted, for upon hearing her news, many people rallied round expressing concern and support, and that outpouring of loving attention buoyed her sense of well-being. The telling brought the comfort of connection with others, dispelling the loneliness of fear. My friend nodded as she listened, even showed a faint smile, but remained worried as she imagined the reaction to her news. She promised to call again in a day or so, and to consider meeting with a therapist. The marvelous truth is that by being self-disclosing with close friends and loved ones, we not only secure their support, we invite them to be equally revealing. Quite literally, it is a gift, to be able to share the bad news as well as the good, sending the message to others that we will be there for them when it is their story that needs to be told. |
|
|