Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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The Price of Incivility. Who Pays? This entry was posted on 10/4/2008 9:54 AM and is filed under Generally Speaking. I’m a devotee of contemporary fiction, but I’ve been revisiting Jane Austen. The return to the exquisite prose of Pride and Prejudice, and a society devoted to, even obsessed with, social etiquette, serves as a welcome respite from some modern media that jars my sensibilities. This sharp contrast between genial spoken exchanges and the offhand and sometimes crude phrases of today, came to mind when I was asked to write a commentary for my local Bar Association about civility, so often said to be in decline. As a woman of a certain age, I questioned whether my observations would have validity for men, or for younger women raised with the same assurance afforded sons, that the world is potentially their oyster, and on their terms. But, with that caveat, I ask: does the decline in civility between lawyers really matter? Are clients less well served? Or are our shifting social mores and the broad acceptance of a more candid and direct way of speaking, simply benign evidence of a new, less mannerly age? Perhaps upsetting for those of us with expectations born of past reality, or mythology, but of little consequence? I thought back on those times in my legal practice when I was faced with overly aggressive or insensitive rejoinders, thrown off balance when talked to rudely or disrespectfully. These experiences left me feeling exposed, embarrassed. Possibly even shamed. The first occurred when I was still a law student in the late 1960s. I sat in the conference room of a prominent firm surrounded by a five man committee of the Bar charged with determining if students were fit to join the legal profession. My essay on why I chose law had earlier been submitted. The well-known attorney seated at the head of the table with my file open before him, held it up and said: Hubby write this for you? My quiet response: No. (P.C. had not yet been born.) Fast forward. I stood before a Judge known to be mean-spirited. A plea bargain had been negotiated, and my client was present for sentencing. Although I was a novice at the bar, in a calm strong voice I put forth his better qualities, the sound reasons for his release on probation. The Judge smiled down at me: So, counsel, if he’s such a fine fellow, I suggest you take him home with you. I was speechless. Embarrassed for him and myself. A more current incident: I sat across the desk from opposing counsel to discuss the complex valuation issues in a difficult divorce case. My presentation was detailed, carefully researched and well reasoned. No smile this time as he spat the words: This is completely ridiculous, ludicrous! Did I calmly ask for his reasons? No, again I was momentarily silenced. And when I did respond, I’d lost my focus. So, what’s happening when incivility is in the room? Lest the reader conclude that it is only sexism at play here, many times as a mediator I‘ve witnessed the male response to a belligerent comment, sarcasm or threat. First the briefcase is abruptly snapped shut, and then as he rises from his chair these words: Fine! I’ll see you in Court. Even if I can bar the door and keep the conversation going, the mood in the room has changed, darkened, muscles tensed. And positions hardened. The underlying message of offensive words, whether they are aggressive, insulting or insidious innuendo, is: you are not worthy of my respect. Sometimes artfully disguised behind a congenial smile, they penetrate the boundaries we all establish to protect our unique private vulnerabilities, the delicate balance we maintain in every adversarial or unequal setting. Civility welcomes what is best in me, without the protective armor that blocks intelligent intercourse. The offender, a bully of sorts, perhaps is really the fearful one, the verbal thrust of apparent strength a way of hiding weakness. Or the sarcasm an attempt at diversion from the inability to address the issues. Faced with incivility, we feel attacked and the fight or flight reaction takes over. Neither response is conducive to reasoned progress being made on a client’s behalf. That’s who really pays the price. CommentsDisplay comments as (Linear | Threaded)
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