Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Out Of Sync This entry was posted on 10/25/2008 9:35 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. Sometimes partners drift apart slowly, move into separate worlds, failing to disclose to each other the evolving person they’ve become. They may be communicating in subtle nonverbal ways, but is the message getting through? An example: John and Mary have similar backgrounds and compatible values. When their children were small, they delighted in being parents and assigned themselves the traditional roles of breadwinner and homemaker. As years went by, John, a gregarious man, was increasingly successful in business and developed close friendships in that world. While he spent more and more hours at work, Mary found satisfaction and pleasure in her focus on their daughters, now teenagers. When he became quiet and withdrawn at home, she asked if everything was all right. She knew it wasn’t. He had stopped going to the gym and was putting on excessive weight. But his answers were vague, and she chose to interpret his equivocation as meaning it was stress at work that was the cause. So she backed away to “give him the space he seemed to need.” They were out of sync and gradually moved apart over the next several years, each dissatisfied, but saying little that was to the point. John saw his physician and was referred to a psychiatrist. He went on anti-depressants. They helped his mood but not his ability or willingness to share his feelings with his wife. Within months he suggested divorce. How can she have been surprised? But she was. As their mediator, I concentrate on the decisions they must make about their future, so ask few questions about their past. I gain just a superficial knowledge of their personal dynamic, and little of their early formative years. I listen well, but their messages are often delivered in code. He says: We used to do things together, although all the planning was left up to me. I have to initiate everything and half the time she has no interest in my suggestions, seems more involved in the social lives of our girls. She says: He had no time for us. Didn’t even come to school performances. (She then showed me a picture of their attractive daughters, in provocative dress and stance.) My unspoken questions: Is he saying she no longer found him desirable? Is she saying the day of her attractiveness has passed and now belongs to her daughters? As with many mid-life parents, might they both, in different ways, be experiencing discomfort with the emerging sexuality of their children? These are stressful times, when divorce rates climb. I can only make an intelligent guess, and my guess may be way off base. But my guess doesn’t really matter. The tragedy is that they too were only able to guess, and that really did matter. They lacked the skill to be self-disclosing with each other. About this they now agree. So, did their feelings of discomfort, rejection or inadequacy remain hidden? While still sharing a bed did they become strangers? If both partners are unable to verbalize their feelings or intuit those of the other, is there any reason to be hopeful about their future? If even one has the emotional intelligence to express their feelings and draw the other into a non-blaming conversation, there would be reason to be hopeful. If both were motivated and felt safe enough to talk openly about their desires and disappointments, and early on enlist the aid of a skilled professional, they might get the prize: an intact family. |
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