Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Does Love Trump Privacy? This entry was posted on 12/20/2008 8:02 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. When our youngest grew up and moved some distance away, I claimed her room and fashioned a space all my own. It was quite small, on the second story of our home, with leafy tree branches almost touching the windows, a nest of sorts. There were times my husband came and stood at the threshold to ask a question, but he didn’t walk in. He never entered uninvited. It was our unspoken understanding, as natural as breathing, that our separateness was respected. This background sets the stage for a mediation session in which a privacy issue arose. The couple working with me was seeking to preserve, not end their marriage. They had come to negotiate some well-defined concerns, when discussions at home had proven difficult and divisive. Their story: in the prior week, the husband installed a lock on his home-office door, without consulting his wife. She was hurt and angry. His story: when he was away, his wife opened mail addressed only to him. It was nothing of a highly personal nature, but in doing so she learned that his business debt was considerably greater than she had known. Then, still in his absence, she looked through his desk and files, and eventually explored his computer, where she made discoveries of a more personal nature. That's when the lock went on. He was outraged, and no doubt chagrined. Her story: She firmly believed there should be no secrets between marriage partners, and that she was, therefore, perfectly justified in her actions. He was the one who had much to explain. The response I addressed to her was spoken without hesitation, or sufficient forethought. With some fervor I said: But everyone is entitled to a zone of privacy. This statement and my tone surprised them, and myself as well. With hindsight I regret the unprofessional way I spoke. I should have posed some neutral questions, not been judgmental. Predictably, the issue did not get resolved in my office. Later, when the wife called to cancel their next appointment, I learned that after further discussion, her husband had removed the lock from his office door. I recall another client who discovered that her husband had read the journal in which she wrote each morning on waking. She was incensed, even though she’d kept it tucked in her nightstand drawer, readily accessible. Her question: how could he not understand that it was for her eyes only? Will these unwelcome intrusions continue to rankle over time? My guess is that insistence on full disclosure, some even demanding to know their partner’s innermost thoughts, is more likely to erode than to foster harmony. Are these wounded loved ones likely to become more or less secretive? Why is privacy so important? We speak of someone "invading" our privacy and the very use of that word suggests a violation of significance. It is an assault on our autonomy, a piercing of that protective skin we seek to keep in tact (so many words of aggression!). Privacy keeps us safe, free of judgment until we are ready for exposure, and then, only to those we trust. |
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