Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Empathy Redefined This entry was posted on 1/10/2009 8:35 AM and is filed under Personally Speaking. To gain insight from experience acquired over the years and pass it along, that is satisfying. But, when applying such wisdom to events in my own life doesn't work, that is sobering. The wisdom: when another’s point of view or behavior is problematic, upsetting or even unacceptable, quiet the tendency to be reactive and stand in their shoes. Empathize. View the situation from their perspective. As a professional helping others, I can do this in a reasonably dispassionate way. And many times I’ve said: once you empathize, you can sympathize with their point of view. Not always easy if I'm emotionally involved, but I thought I even had these situations figured out. Example: My son and daughter-in-law divorced some years ago. I loved her dearly and still do. We continue to correspond and speak on the phone and our words flow easily, unless she makes a negative comment about my son. I can be sensitive to but simply ignore these words if written, or remain quiet if spoken, and attend to the rest of her message. She is a quick study and we move on, each of us accepting a well-established boundary that only occasionally is crossed, but then renewed. So empathy works, until it doesn’t. Here’s what happened: I received an email message from a dear friend who lives some distance away, with whom I've maintained a close connection over the years. I consider both she and her husband intimate friends, he a former professional colleague of my husband. But now the wife wrote complaining bitterly about her husband's behavior and attitude. The tone of her message clearly assumed my alignment with her, seeking both my sympathy and my professional advice. I was upset, resented being drawn into their personal lives in this way and expected to take sides. My initial reaction was not to respond at all, but soon I knew that totally ignoring her message would be too unkind a rejection. After mulling it over, this is the quandary I shared with a trusted colleague: I could not simply accept the wife’s perception of events and offer sympathy and advice without feeling disloyal to the husband, but nor was I willing to be drawn into the details of their intimate angst to make judgments about what went on. From our discussion some new wisdom emerged: I was confusing empathy with the need to sympathize and become an actor in their play. Empathy, a willingness to understand, does not require agreement or even sympathy, only a readiness to hear and attempt to comprehend what someone has to say, not to embrace it. With that distinction clearly in mind, I was able to frame a heartfelt response that was empathic and not rejecting. A bit wiser now, I stepped back into my own shoes. Taking care of myself, I also asked that I be seen only as a friend, which made giving professional advice to either of them untenable. An important boundary was restored. |
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