Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries

Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in
Cincinnati, Ohio 
Bea V. Larsen

For a number of years Bea V. Larsen, senior mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in Cincinnati, Ohio [www.cfrdmediation.com], presented weekly commentaries on WVXU radio, both on her professional work as a mediator and on more personal or general experiences. These broadcasts reached thousands of listeners in a number of midwestern states and elicited many comments. This new series of online commentaries will continue that tradition, now broadcast to the world via the internet. Comments, which can be posted directly to this blog, are warmly encouraged. More personal background information can be read in the "Introductions" category below.
 

Contemplate Winning

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This entry was posted on 1/24/2009 9:28 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics.

 
    Strange as it may seem, when family issues are litigated, it’s not always easy to distinguish a win from a loss. This is why.
   
    The story: Unhappy together for some time, once the decision was made to end their marriage, the husband moved out of the family home, but was determined to have a significant role in the life of his six year old son. The wife, angered by her husband's infidelity and rejection, repeatedly thwarted his efforts. Since the child's infancy, she managed all of the day-to-day details of their son’s life. She attended the school conferences and met with the pediatrician. Not he. She bought the clothing, arranged play-dates, kept track of their youngster’s general well-being. Not he. Now she resists his wish to share the status of legal custodian and spend significant time with their child. There was a time, however, when she, a nurse, was dependent on prescription drugs she obtained illegally. He responds to her resistance by threatening to raise the issue of her addiction in Court.
    
    Both parties have ample ammunition ready at hand to publicly display their private misery, and some of their friends and family urge them on. Each met with counsel reputed to be tough and relentless in their advocacy. A custody contest looms.
   
    In mediation, both parties privately acknowledged that the other is a loving and responsible parent. And since his departure, the husband has proven that his new attentiveness to his son has staying power. The wife has already completed a drug treatment program and, though still regularly monitored, has been reinstated in her hospital position. She is the one now called upon to compromise, but she needs time and professional guidance to get beyond her bitterness and sense of having failed as a wife. Not easy. He needs to remain involved but slow down, ease up on the pressure and stay calm. Also not easy.
   
    Anxiety is always high as an intimate relationship ends. Will I be forever financially strapped? Will I ever find love again? Will I lose my precious connection with my child? Will another woman take my place with my son? Preparing to do battle may temporarily quiet these voices. Fear sharpens the focus of both parties on all they stand to lose.    
   
    This is the perfect time to take a deep breath, and a longer view. So, I invite them both to switch gears, turn away from the pain of losing and imagine winning the fight, either through tough bargaining or by convincing a Judge. Contemplate the aftermath of triumph.
   
     These questions emerged:
   
    Will the loser-parent back away from the parenting role?
   
    Will there be a tightening of the purse strings, less generous support now, and as plans for college are made?
   
    Will parental alienation darken the life of one parent or the other, as they continue to denigrate each other?
         
    Will their child, forever caught in the middle of their conflict, be permanently damaged, his loyalty always questioned?
     
    Will their savings and future income be depleted by repeated litigation battles that resurface again and again?
   
    It was a sobering exercise with an outcome not yet known.
   
    In the effort to regain control during the chaotic times of our lives, it is easy to become mired in misery, anticipating painful losses. Contemplating the results of winning a battle (or even a relatively minor argument), not just the fallout of losing, can actually restore some balance and lead to compromise, even significant gains.

 

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    • 1/24/2009 10:35 AM regine wrote:
      Brilliant and applicable to every day dust ups as well as life challenging ones.
      Reply to this
    • 1/31/2009 1:28 PM Marie Bader wrote:
      Hi Bea, Thank you for a thought provoking scenario. The approach of suggesting the parties contemplate the possible consequences of the win/loose outcome can provide parties the opportunity to reconsider their positions. Sometimes we see a shift to a more cooperative approach. Other times we don't. But then who knows when or how long before such discussion registers. As mediators we don't always get to witness the fruits of such discussion.
      Reply to this
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