Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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When Talking is Difficult This entry was posted on 2/7/2009 9:50 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. In the midst of this snowy winter, my car broke down, which proved to be not only a failure of the mechanism, but of my spirit, at least temporarily. For I felt ill equipped to cope with the decisions that then had to be made. This had always been Len’s realm, not mine. I managed well enough with the help of friends, and those who towed and repaired with kind tolerance of my ineptitude, but what a stark reminder of the division of responsibility in our marriage. Although we might first consult with each other, decisions about the purchase or repair of anything with moving parts were left to him, interior design left to me. Insurance, his. Kid’s clothing and wellness care, mine. With career decisions, he made his and I made mine. But major concerns, a possible move, a home purchase, a child’s blue mood, were always talked through to resolution. If memory serves me well, our shared values usually made these conversations easy. But not always. When Len, who piloted his own small plane, began to take our young grandchildren aloft, I developed a twitching eyelid and my sleep was seriously disturbed. We tried to talk about it. He was hurt and angry that I would question his judgment, and thought my fears irrational. I thought not, but even if they were, I needed to find a healthy way to cope. Although this was an issue we knew we had to confront and resolve, my anxiety and his defensiveness made it a difficult conversation that went nowhere. Finally we sought professional help, and along the way learned a lot about each other and ourselves. Eventually we reached a compromise which I gratefully, and he somewhat grudgingly, accepted (he would take another pilot along). What the breakdown of my car and these meandering recollections brought to mind was how often both partners approaching divorce maintain that whenever conflict loomed, too discouraged or unable to talk it through, and one or both unwilling to seek help, they each chose to abdicate the decider role and give in to the other. Yes, this is actually the perception. I learned this because on the first day I meet with a mediating pair, I speak with each of them alone and ask how they resolved disputes during their marriage. How did they negotiate? Here is the interesting twist. Very often both partners in a relationship that is ending, privately speak a variation of the phrase: I just went along to get along. Each perceives themselves as the one who most often capitulated and accommodated to the other's wishes or demands. As impossible as this would seem, I think the belief is sincerely voiced. In a partnership where self-disclosure feels risky and talking is difficult, are these the moments most clearly remembered, when our own wishes were compromised, eroding our sense of self, our authenticity? Without some intervention, dissatisfaction grows and grows. CommentsDisplay comments as (Linear | Threaded)
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