Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Anger: Serve Us Well? This entry was posted on 3/28/2009 6:50 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. As a nation, we’ve been awash in anger at the bonus-takers. And for a time it felt pretty good. Even our President joined in the clamor. But within days it became clear that maintaining this stance prevents forward movement. Surely this holds true for us as individuals as well. Personally, I'm uneasy in the face of anger, that which I feel towards others, or if I am the target. It can leave me a bit unhinged, but not for long. For some of those I work with, anger is too constant a companion. Therapists have helped many to recognize and legitimize their anger. Depression begins to lift, a new sense of self and autonomy is achieved, all to the good. But for a few, who I suspect give up exploring of the source of their feelings too soon, a new found acceptance of their outrage is worn as a badge of courage, and it can do them in. A mediation example to consider: Husband has been betrayed. Wife met a new preferred partner. Husband, who was able to work at home, fostered his wife's successful career, provided daytime care for the children and kept the home fires burning brightly. (For the purpose of this discussion, who did what to whom over the years of the marriage is irrelevant, for as is almost always the case, both parties contributed to the relationship failure.) Husband's acrimony is now given free rein, and fuels his days. In the negotiation setting, tempers can flare, understandably so. This husband bristles and reflexively rejects wife's generous financial proposals, born of her remorse. My cautionary words are met with: my therapist said I have every right to express my anger. Meeting privately with the husband, I suggest that his indignation expressed in a therapeutic setting, or to a friend, may well serve a valid purpose, but does not serve him well when negotiating. Whether or not one has the right to be furious is not the point. Reaching a favorable result is. So, I advise: taste your ire, but then become strategic. My words, not surprisingly, fall on unreceptive ears. A quick turn around appears impossible. I urge a return to therapy with a focus on taking care of himself in the immediate situation. But, it may take months of litigation before he is able to recognize that his bitter stance is self-defeating. My personal epiphany occurred many years ago when a book by a self-help guru got me on the right track by pointing out that holding on to anger hands over tremendous power to an adversary. The target of our indignation, in a sense, takes control of our life. That was the last thing I wanted. For me, acknowledging, but then letting go of anger, and seeking an effective solution to the issue at hand, takes back the control I need. And breathing deeply helps. CommentsDisplay comments as (Linear | Threaded)
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