Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Truth Telling This entry was posted on 4/4/2009 6:40 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. You consider disclosing an important truth, but reconsider when a friend urges caution, that you not take unnecessary risks. You are halted by ambivalence. We grow up being told to always tell the truth. But parents inevitably send a more nuanced message when we hear them tell a half-truth, or tell an untruth out of kindness, or send a false message by remaining silent to keep a promised confidence. Is it better to tell or not tell? This is the question sometimes asked by a spouse who has strayed, and now seeks to revive a marriage gone adrift. I have no pat answer. The complexity of people's lives, always only partially known to others, suggests that giving advice would be unwise. At best, we can ask probing questions for the keeper of the secret to explore. Sometimes it seems only the teller, not the unknowing other, would be well served by admission. Guilt made more bearable by confession. Yet for some, living with deception is untenable, believing that only through a shared exploration of the past can a genuinely loving and committed relationship be restored. Risky, either way. And not an easy call when the decision is unilateral, but the potential impact falls on many. Consider this: A wife, who for some time has been silently enduring her husband's sustained lack of sexual interest, gathers the strength to ask him if he is gay. Husband answers emphatically and in anger that he is not, knowing that he is. His great fear is that exposure will cause the loss of the precious connection he has with his young children. When asked for advice about this potential disclosure, I’m surprised to find I am comfortable responding that, of course, the truth should be told. And in this case, it was. All of his worst fears came true in living color. Wife raged. Husband was awash in guilt. The children were confused and frightened, and the family's community of friends unbelieving, some falling away. Many tears and sleepless nights. Yet, over time, with the support of professionals and loyal friends, acceptance and accommodation evolved as the family was reconfigured. Loving feelings were once again expressed. The world shifted, but righted. It became clear that this truth needed to be told, for the damaging impact of keeping this secret seemed too serious to justify the lack of honest disclosure. But "clear" is not a good choice of words, for these decisions are often anything but clear. Had this wife been judged to be a vengeful, vindictive person, a different choice might well have been made. Approaching adulthood and beyond, as self-knowledge and self-acceptance grows, most of us allow ourselves a good measure of authenticity, a willingness to openly share our truths. But concerns will inevitably continue to arise when we must choose between being a truth teller and protecting our privacy. We strive to maintain the delicate balance of our own well-being and the possible harm to others. Perhaps doing so is one important definition of maturity. |
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