Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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A Protocol Is Needed This entry was posted on 4/18/2009 6:55 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. My friend’s son is divorcing, ending a 25-year marriage. Although sad, he doesn't question their decision. From the sidelines he sensed that neither partner had been happy for some time. Past efforts to work things out seemed sincere. In recent years, he and his daughter-in-law had been especially drawn together as she lovingly helped to care for his wife in her final illness. He was sure that despite the marital breach, she would remain a cherished member of his family. So, he was determined throughout the difficult months of the couple's estrangement, and then their separation, to preserve his relationship not only with his son but with his daughter-in-law as well, even if it meant seeing her at different times and places. They continued to share occasional meals and spoke often on the phone, simply skirting the subject of the marriage ending. One evening, soon after the divorcing couple entered the legal arena, he encountered her parents at a concert and they were cool to him, as they hastened their departure. Upsetting, but understandable, he thought, and shrugged it off. Wouldn't even bring it up. At least his relationship with his daughter-in-law would not change. But, of course, it had already changed. The hurt and anger she experienced, feeling herself to be the one aggrieved, had slowly begun to seep into every conversation and email. At first only a nuanced suggestion. But then there was more open talk of his son's failings. My friend’s response was silence. Communication boundaries, even though he thought them clear, continued to erode. No longer able to be empathic in the face of her repeated accusations, he retreated and their contact ended. "Blood is thicker than water" was the quick and easy answer given by many to whom he spoke of his dilemma. He was still unwilling to be judgmental, wise enough to know that no one but the marriage partners themselves could speak of the realities, and that even their perceptions would surely differ. His lament: I love them both dearly, but I've lost the close bond with my daughter-in-law. I said I didn't think that need be the case in the long term, and offered stories of others I've known, myself included, who mended similar relationships once the most painful time of the marital collapse had passed. Although, I had to acknowledge that the renewed connection was different, still loving and even intimate at times, but some doors always remained closed. So many important attachments are lost to both parties when the terrible angst of divorce seems to call for taking sides. Extended family members and mutual friends need a protocol, an agreed upon time out. Necessary boundaries should be made clear and respected, to protect against hurtful expressions of disloyalty towards one or the other. And to avoid a permanent breach. But perhaps more than anything, we need to have realistic expectations of the healing time required for friendship to win out over recrimination and the pain of loss. |
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