Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Fairness: An Elusive Quest This entry was posted on 4/25/2009 7:10 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. It's wonderful to engage with someone who has worked their way out of despair and become optimistic about the future. The enthusiastic woman I met with was preparing a proposal for her departing husband. After months of obviously useful therapy, she had given up lamenting the past and was facing her impending divorce with newfound courage, determined to convince her soon to be former spouse to amend his most recent support proposal. The story: this wife had earned a library science degree a decade ago, but now that her status as the stay-at-home parent was ending, she had a new career goal, one that required a return to school. To implement this plan, her husband needed to contribute to her support for a longer period than he had offered. Her plea to him some months ago was: Before the kids were even born, we agreed that I would leave work and stay home for a time, to give them a good start. Now it's only fair for you to pay for my return to school. His response at that time was: True, that was the agreement we made, but it was never assumed that you would switch careers. The fair thing is for you to help bring in income now. When fairness is the goal and each party asks the other "to be fair", what they are really saying is: if you saw the world as I do, then you would agree with me. Since you don't, you're unfair. Pleas for fairness typically fall on deaf ears. Bargaining for subjective concepts of fairness simply pushes people further apart, less likely to reach agreement. When you know where you want to go but keep tripping up along the way, it's time to take a different tack, to be strategic. This newly empowered woman was no longer stuck in the fairness trap. Still legitimately negotiating to meet her self-interest, here is what she now said: Consider this. I know I could return to work in a library, but with eighteen months of retraining, I could likely achieve a better salary, and feel a sense of real satisfaction in my work. If this is something you'd be wiling to help me accomplish, I'd be willing to commit to paying some portion of the kid's college tuition, as you've been asking. Maybe we all regress to some extent when life is turned upside-down, and as a child might whine, with the stamp of a foot, insist: it’s just not fair. The strategic approach of: here is what I want and here is what I am willing to do, or better yet: if I offered you ABC, would you be willing to give me XYZ? This has the added benefit of offering to consult on a solution, and acknowledges that the other person has a position worthy of respect. Advance consultation, respect for another's outlook, and a reciprocal offer trumps a plea for fairness every time. |
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