Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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No Need To Explain This entry was posted on 5/2/2009 7:25 AM and is filed under Personally Speaking. How can I explain this to my folks? This was the question posed by a young friend. Following her husband’s disclosure of infidelity, she had sought shelter and solace with her parents. Now after a month long separation, she'd decided to return to her own home. She and her husband had gained important insights in counseling sessions, both together and on their own, and were ready to repair their relationship. But in both subtle and direct comments, her parents cast doubt upon her decision. They pressed her to answer their questions. Their anger toward their son-in-law was great, and although at the outset their daughter found this comforting and supportive, she now regretted having shared such a private matter. My immediate response was: you don't owe anyone an explanation. I've said this countless times to friends and clients. But her startled reaction gave me pause. Was I just playing out some old rebellious script of my own? My tendency when younger, shared by many women, was to attempt to legitimize my personal decisions with a well-reasoned rationale, particularly if I was rejecting another's request or opinion. Even declining a dinner invitation seemed to call for an extended explanation. Never a simple: sorry I can’t make it. Looking back, I think I failed to note an important distinction between simply giving voice to my choices, stating what I believed to be the best path to take, and the need to justify my choice, to meet some norm of social acceptability. Often I'd hedge, be less than forthright, resenting my need to comply with the standards of others, and wanting to avoid the invasion of my private thoughts. I'd end up feeling somehow at fault. No longer. Stating a personal preference or decision need not be followed by an effort to legitimize the choice. Responding to a request for an explanation may or may not make good sense, depending on who is asking and how important it is to share underlying motivations with another. An example of the blurring of this distinction grew to mythic proportion when some prominent feminists faulted Hillary Clinton in years past when she offered what they saw as excuses for her husband's infidelities. As I read her words, although attempting to understand what had happened by referring to his early years, she was not seeking to justify his behavior. Nor to seek approval from others for her decision to remain in the marriage. As for my friend, in the weeks that followed she resolved her quandary. The essence of her considered response to the insistence of her parents that she provide reasons for her decision to rejoin her husband was: I appreciate your concern. I've given it a lot of thought and in my judgment it's the right thing to do. Whatever problems we have will be ours to solve together. Their questions persisted. She did not waver. Seeking to explain one's own or another's actions in the personal realm, invites appraisal by those whose standards or values may well differ from our own. That is something we can be open to, or not. Our choice, not someone else's due. CommentsDisplay comments as (Linear | Threaded)
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