Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Forget You This entry was posted on 5/16/2009 6:37 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. When my kids were very young, the ultimate put-down was “forget you.” It came to mind after my recent meeting with a high-conflict couple. One felt betrayed, the other misunderstood. The conversation I witnessed was tense, each frequently interrupting the other. Their words assaulted with contradiction, were denigrating, blaming. It was as if the other’s viewpoint had absolutely no legitimacy, their feelings no merit. By the end of the mediation session, I felt like a traffic cop, holding my hand up to silence first one and then the other so a thought could be completed. Eventually they calmed, tired, and made an effort to comply with my no interruption rule. But by then they were dispirited and eager to leave. As each in turn had taken control and silenced the other, the underlying message was “you don’t really matter”. Perhaps when an intimate partner has withdrawn their love, this is what we want to believe. But of course they do matter, to each other and to their children, the subject of their bitter discussion. Had I accomplished anything with my no interruption mandate? Perhaps greater efficiency in addressing the issues before us. But would this intervention actually move them to a place of better understanding? Of agreement? Not likely. What I need to do, and will attempt at our next meeting, is to somehow get them to stand in each other’s shoes, to develop some empathy for what the other is feeling, and in turn, to be understood. If I had a magic wand, this is the gift I would help them give to each other. The future benefits would be immeasurable. The ability to empathize and thereby offer respect to a departing partner (even if continuing to disagree with their positions), and a willingness to honor their past contributions to the family (often privately acknowledged to others), calls for words some conflicted partners seem unable to speak to each other. When it is possible, myriad conflicts evaporate. I plan to ask these two to actually stand up and move to sit in the chair that the other had occupied and then to speak as if they’ve exchanged identities as well, speak the truth of the other as they know it. Initially it will be awkward, but if they are willing to persist, it will be revealing, even exciting. Can I accomplish this without it seeming too contrived? Will they resist? Or will they make the effort to imagine what their partner is feeling when repeatedly criticized for past deeds? And will they then be willing to ask if they are on target, to know the other’s misery and not just their own? If they can do this, I think they’ll be able to move forward. If not, their children will inherit their pain and learn well from them the art of accusation and blame. CommentsDisplay comments as (Linear | Threaded)
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