Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries

Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in
Cincinnati, Ohio 
Bea V. Larsen

For a number of years Bea V. Larsen, senior mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in Cincinnati, Ohio [www.cfrdmediation.com], presented weekly commentaries on WVXU radio, both on her professional work as a mediator and on more personal or general experiences. These broadcasts reached thousands of listeners in a number of midwestern states and elicited many comments. This new series of online commentaries will continue that tradition, now broadcast to the world via the internet. Comments, which can be posted directly to this blog, are warmly encouraged. More personal background information can be read in the "Introductions" category below.
 

Slowing Down To Go Fast

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This entry was posted on 5/23/2009 7:05 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics.


    They entered my office smiling, an amiable couple in their early fifties. After my introductory comments, I was told that even before deciding to mediate their divorce they had pretty much worked things out. Many agreements were already in place, and I was assured they would make quick work of the issues that remained.
   
    Approaching the end of our second session, Dave, a successful businessman, spoke with assurance as he presented the financial plan he’d devised for his wife, Kate, for when she would be on her own. Apparently listening but quiet and no longer smiling, Kate did not react or respond. I invited her comment. She just shrugged her shoulders. So I asked: Need more data?
   
    No answer. I continued: Perhaps you’re feeling apprehensive about what the future holds?
   
    No answer.
   
    Dave turned to me, making no effort to hide his irritation: Wait a minute. You're putting words in her mouth. She's fine with this plan. We've already talked it over.
   
    At that, Kate came to life: You don't know how I feel! I'll never find a job earning what you say I can earn.
   
    Now she is sobbing. Dave sits back, displeased and exasperated. He is a man on a mission who thought the end was in sight.
   
     So, why this breakdown now?
   
    All along I'd been aware of Kate's struggle to fully understand Dave's explanation of financial matters that had previously been left completely up to him. Earlier he’d pointed out that it was Kate who always paid the monthly bills, suggesting she was therefore savvy about finance. But did this follow? Although her husband treated her with respect and she did not appear distrustful, her anxiety was palpable. Not an uncommon response when the reality of going forward alone is no longer escapable. And Kate as yet had no job in sight.
   
    Dave's impatience would not serve him well. That day he came to realize, as Kate fully revealed her fears about the future, that unless she felt more competent to engage and reason with him, and had employment she could count on, she would likely turn to a surrogate power source, a lawyer, a gladiator, to do battle with her stronger opponent. This could be a very long journey.
   
    We took time out from mediation for Kate to meet with counsel wise in the ways of settlement, and a financial planner with special knowledge of divorce, to take whatever time she needed to fully understand the deal she was about to negotiate, and to become assured she could successfully manage her financial future. She would get the help she needed, but not from Dave. And the job search would proceed before finality was achieved. Kate would even research the possibility of additional course work to enhance her employability. It meant a delay of some months while these steps were taken, but she was excited now, still wary but optimistic.
   
    I've never been comfortable with the cynical comment that if both parties walk away equally unhappy, a good bargain has been struck. Rather, I think, if both are given sufficient time to address their concerns, fully empowered, either alone or with a wise advocate at their side, sound agreements can be reached.
   
     I was confident that before long Kate would find her own voice.
   
    And Dave, reluctantly, came to realize that sometimes to go slow is to go fast.

    


 

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    • 5/23/2009 9:21 AM Amy wrote:
      Thanks, Bea, for mentioning the assistance a financial planner, trained in divorce (and, hopefully mediation and collaboration)can provide to encourage resolution by helping level the financial knowledge playing field while respecting the legal environment in which the decisions are being made. I believe the husband thought he had come up with an appropriate and reasonable solution - the problem is he was too invested in the outcome and probably could not think of all the issues that a financial professional would consider.
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