Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Just Being There This entry was posted on 7/11/2009 7:09 AM and is filed under Generally Speaking. There are times when just being a silent presence, or even the promise of being present, makes a difference. For instance: …………… As a mediator, sought out by troubled partners, I sometimes find that my wisdom seems all but superfluous. They are parting ways. Making the decision took many months, but at the end both acknowledged that efforts to change and please the other failed. In preliminary phone conversations each told me that the blaming was over, but important financial decisions were yet to be made. They had tried, sat together at the kitchen table and talked over coffee. But as he probed, she fell silent. Their efforts to reach common ground evoked old miseries and tensions. So, they decided to come and sit with me. Just my presence in the room, a safe place, released the conversation previously withheld. I directed the verbal traffic, turning first to one, an eyebrow raised at the other, but I remained silent and took notes, as new understandings were reached. I added barely a word here or there, nothing of substance, and quite on their own they talked through their issues and the road forward cleared. The earlier promise of civility, made by both to each other, was kept. My being there as their sounding board, listening to the ping-pong of their earnest conversation, somehow helped to keep them in check and respectful, provided a structure and placed boundaries on their discourse. My very presence, offering but a hand gesture now and then, allowed them to listen, and really hear what each needed to say. …………. I sat by the bed of a dying friend who was in and out of consciousness, by turn calm and agitated. Waiting until she opened her eyes and met my gaze, I asked her if there was anything I could do for her. She told me she’d written but not yet delivered a check for her son’s birthday. Could I see that he received it? Of course. Did I imagine that she then eased as we just continued to hold hands until her husband returned? I was comforted just being there, and think she was as well. …………. Garrison Keillor tells a story about the years he attended Lake Wobegon High School. He had a storm home. Some residents of the town volunteered to provide emergency shelter during the cold winter months. Each youngster was assigned a specific house to go to in the event a blizzard made it impossible to get to their own home in the countryside. He told of the many times he walked past the house selected for him, picturing the people who lived there, who he did not know, hoping one day he’d be welcomed as part of their family for a day or two. It never happened. But Keillor talked warmly of that safe place, imagining how it would have been, an offer of hot chocolate, a crackling fire in the hearth as the wind howled outside, and he with them, cozy and secure. He said his troubles were more bearable just knowing he had a storm home to go to. ………….. At times, a friendly non-judgmental person listening in on a difficult conversation provides the gentle restraint that keeps the talk from being derailed by emotion. Our dearest friends offer to be present should a crisis arise, or at a lonely time. They may never have to be called upon, but how comforting when these words are spoken: Be sure to call if you need me. They promise to be present, to open their door. We all need the assurance of a hand to hold, someone to just be there, a storm home. |
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