Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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A Door To Intimacy This entry was posted on 7/25/2009 7:39 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. When I married at the midpoint of the twentieth century, marriage manuals were replete with graphic drawings and cautiously chosen words describing what lay ahead. Fast forward to the introduction of the pill in the early 1960s and publication of The Joy of Sex in 1972. A different world. Today, how-to books address relationship issues, likely with a section on communication skills. If these books are read at all in the glow of ardor, I suspect the chapters on how to talk to one another are only skimmed. From my vantage point, observing marriages that are ending, those may be the most critical pages. The grievance I hear so often, from friends, clients, colleagues, my own inner voice, is of unhappiness due to a lack of partner intimacy, the close personal sharing that makes livable all the inevitable ups and downs of any committed relationship. Many suffer in silence, but others become vocal, even demanding. Counseling with a skilled professional often seems the logical approach, and some agree to take that path, although one of them often reluctantly. I was not immune. Years ago, Len gave me the responsibility for drawing him out when I asked for greater disclosure of feelings about what was going on in his life. I was to ask the right questions, at the right time. I tried. It didn't work. And he was missing the point, or at least so I thought. This give and take had to be offered freely, even sought, by him. We were once offered a communication exercise, told to repeat what the other had said so as to assure that each of us had indeed been heard. That lasted less than a week. But we were given some suggestions that did actually work. No revolution, but a change for the better. When I asked a question to elicit feelings about one thing or another, I was to choose a time when there were no obvious distractions, and a place where we could talk for a while. TV commercial breaks wouldn’t work, half-time maybe. For us, breakfast at a restaurant was best, or traveling in a car in light traffic. He couldn't get up and drift away. But most important, once my question was in the air, I needed to stop talking. That was the key. So many women, hungry for intimacy (and it seems to be mostly women), don't wait long enough for a response and simply rephrase their question. Some men, I suspect many, need to formulate their thoughts before they speak, unlike many women for whom the spoken word gives birth to the next thought and the words that follow. And consider a recent insight, from the lament of an unhappy friend: When I’m upset, maybe about something at work, and I walk in the door feeling down, she asks me what’s wrong. And when I begin to explain, she offers comfort with a story of her own, telling me she knows just how I feel. She doesn’t. I shut down for the rest of the evening. It’s all too natural to assume that feelings generated by our own past history are the same as those experienced by another. That may be true, but may not. The slightly different, empathic, but more respectful words that invite disclosure: I think I know how I might feel if I were in your shoes . . . but tell me more. Though no particular approach applies to all, I've become convinced that the art of conversation can be learned, and unlock the door to intimacy. Otherwise, after the early years, it may just swing shut. |
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