Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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The Allure of Self-Justification This entry was posted on 8/1/2009 7:32 AM and is filed under Generally Speaking. Inadvertently, or thoughtlessly, I so angered a colleague that she ended our phone conversation by abruptly hanging up. I can’t remember another time when someone’s anger played out in this way. Dazed, unbelieving, the dark screen of my phone in hand, I tried to replay the back and forth talk. But except for a phrase or two, at that moment I could not. Something she said had evoked my laughter, which she took as a lack of respect for her, and she said just that. Then despite my quick brief apology, she said a firm goodbye and broke the connection. I had placed the call with a specific goal in mind, to change my colleague’s thinking about advice she’d given to one of my mediation clients. I considered my position so well reasoned, this hardly seemed a daunting task. But it was. She found no merit in my perspective, and presented her own. I then refuted her thinking as she did mine. Neither of us asked thoughtful questions of the other, only critiques. Until finally, my laugh, and the abrupt ending. After a few moments I turned to other tasks, unsuccessfully. So I phoned a friend who I knew would lend both her support and humor to my rant, and help me analyze what had just taken place. She was reassuring, concluding that the other’s angry manner was wholly uncalled for, and urged that it simply be disregarded. That was calming, for a time, and eventually I turned to my evening’s planned diversions and put the matter out of mind. But the morning light brought an unease I could not put aside. Why was so much tension injected into a call that began with a friendly exchange, both of us expressing appreciation for our renewed contact? As we talked, the difference in our viewpoints expanded. We became adversaries. Did either of us seriously listen to what the other had to say, really try to understand? I had to acknowledge that I had not. If I had, would she have done the same? I’d allowed the consultation I sought, to seek options for resolution of an issue, to evolve into a reckless debate. I began to see clearly how I had then succumbed to the allure of self-justification, how easy it is to blame another when a conversation goes awry. By mid-morning, I emailed a sincere apology for my role in the donnybrook, reaffirmed my respect for her, and suggested we get together for lunch, for a more relaxed exchange. Some hours later she replied: Apology accepted. . . having an extremely rushed week with complications . . . I will call you to schedule lunch. Thanks for your message. Here’s what I know: We see the issues under discussion very differently, perhaps do not even share the same values on these points. But we can certainly come to better understand and respect each other’s viewpoint, even if we cannot agree. Next time I will really listen, and probe for understanding. Perhaps she will mirror my approach. Perhaps not. We just might develop some creative solutions. And even if we don’t, I’ll be at ease. CommentsDisplay comments as (Linear | Threaded)
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