I talk with a close friend, a colleague. Our conversation flows, unguarded. We are skilled players of the verbal ping-pong that carries us forward, asking questions, learning about the other, disclosing what is important about our lives at that moment. Ours is a dance with the steps so practiced, there is no need to be mindful about the questions we pose. We risk little, even with a misstep.

    But consider different settings.

    The cardinal rule taught in law school: never interrogate a courtroom witness without knowing in advance the answer that will be offered. The temptation is there. One last probe to emphasize the essential winning point: And why is that Mrs. Jones?

    Then a response that surprises and wipes out gains earlier made.

    But, if on the courtroom stage the choreography of words spoken is critical, need this be so in our personal or professional lives? Is the art of asking questions so important, requiring us to be deliberate? Often it is, for the manner in which a question is posed can evoke a positive emotional response, an opening up, or just the opposite, a resentful apprehension. Here are some of my hard earned lessons, which often I must relearn.

    When negotiating, seeking to bring someone toward a desired destination and avoid a defensive response that prevents, or at least postpones agreement, the inquiry, the tone of voice, even the quality of eye contact needs to be free of criticism. The distinctions can be subtle.

    Ask: Tell me about that. (open,accepting) Not: Do you really believe that? (veiled belligerence) Ask: Would it be helpful for me to explain my reasoning? (respect, consultation) Not: Do you understand my point? (intelligence called into question).

    When a professional or intimate relationship is troubled, and discussion of an important issue too long avoided, either fearing a negative reaction which will only make things worse, or because embarrassment impedes honesty, before the question is asked, I consider saying: we need to have a difficult conversation.

    Offering another even just a moment to prepare, the respect shown by not taking one unaware, may set the stage for willing consideration of the concern at hand. For those times when both conversation partners may be off balance, just acknowledging this at the outset can avoid a defensive response, or a closed door.     

    A new addition to my repertoire is a question I pose to myself. If a particular event triggers anxiety and disturbing thoughts flood my brain with a prediction of fearful outcomes, I ask myself what I would say to a trusted friend who told me the very story in which I’m actually the star player? Switching to this role, I find that I can deliver encouraging messages. I do not dismiss the concern, but test my imaginary friend’s reality by seeking specific evidence for the fears that have been aroused, and then speculate whether a distorted thought process evoked what may well be erroneous conclusions. Reason is restored.     

    And here's another rule it might be sound to consider: Some questions are best left unasked:

    Is this dress becoming?

    Think I’ve put on weight?

    Do you still love me?