Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
|
|
Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
|
|
|
The Talking Cure, Unfinished This entry was posted on 8/14/2010 7:07 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. It was some time ago that Evelyn phoned. Unhappy for several years, she was contemplating divorce, but remained unsure. Her speech was halting and her tone subdued. The children were grown and on their own, and she spoke of being seized with anxiety imagining a future alone.
Her husband, Hank, was described sympathetically, a good man who was downhearted as well, although unwilling to consider marriage counseling. I encouraged her not to leave the counseling decision to him alone, and to consider working with a therapist on her own. Months later, Hank called to schedule mediation, reminding me of the earlier call from Evelyn. He said he was actually the one who had finally made the decision to end the marriage. A week later when they walked into my office, to my surprise Evelyn presented as very self-assured. She soon proudly announced that she had completed therapy, and that her self-respect had been restored. An apparent success story, but it was not. Evelyn's posture, and the words she now chose, spoke of a determination to be assertive on her own behalf. This hardly seemed the same woman I'd talked with before, so my smile, although congratulatory, was not quite wholehearted. Something was off. As we explored the data they had gathered and identified the issues to be resolved, Evelyn laced her comments with sarcasm, and a few sharp personal insults were directed at her husband. Hank's jaw tightened, his face grim. Therapy, and perhaps other events of which I had no knowledge, had certainly fostered change, but for the better? I often meet with divorcing parties who have worked with a counselor, gained confidence, and come to honor their new sense of self by speaking in a new way. Sometimes their statements are tinged with anger long repressed. Their determination to no longer simply endure unhappy circumstances suggests a significant catharsis. Many are then better able to serve their interests well. But for some, their new found assurance edges into belligerence, and their effort to negotiate a good outcome fails. I'm tempted to offer Evelyn unsolicited advice, but I know this would neither be welcome nor wise. We all see the world through the lens of past experience, that known to us and that hidden from view, but influential nonetheless. It would be presumptuous of me, looking through my lens, to advise. But next time we meet, I will pose some questions for Evelyn and in private share my experience. As she expresses her new found strength, I ask myself, must Hank be diminished, denigrated? Therapy often helps us to recognize and dissect actions of our parents that we may have translated into grievances. With maturity we come to accept, even forgive, their human frailties, along with our own. But being able to forgive when love fails with an intimate partner, especially if feeling rejected, is more of a challenge, the wounds so exposed and in the here and now. The most valuable resource for achieving a positive negotiated outcome, which costs nothing in a monetary sense, is respect for the other. Yet, so often it is the most difficult thing to offer when a marriage is ending. I will ask Evelyn: would she be willing to return for additional counseling, to seek an understanding of the roots of her anger, to go beyond personal validation. Respect is the key, but not just self-respect. CommentsDisplay comments as (Linear | Threaded)
|
|
|
Copyright . http://BEALARSEN.COM. All rights reserved.