Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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A Failed Effort This entry was posted on 9/25/2010 7:10 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. My professional failures stay with me. Wakeful at 4 a.m., I conduct the postmortem.
The case began when a mother petitioned the Court to terminate the plan she and her former husband had been following as they shared the task of raising their 8-year-old daughter. For years these parents had been working well together and their daughter was flourishing. Then a disturbing event tipped the balance. After the father remarried, his daughter and new wife gradually became acquainted and formed a comfortable bond. But, one evening the father phoned the mother and asked her to come promptly and get their child, as there had been a troubling exchange between his wife and daughter. In haste, the mother drove over and picked up the frightened youngster. On the trip home, she heard a tearful story: the step-mother had been drinking and when a glass of milk was spilled at dinner, she'd lashed out at the child, verbally, but excessively. The next morning the mother shared this story with members of her family. She was strongly urged by her sister and her own mother to immediately call her lawyer and do whatever was necessary to prevent such an event from ever happening again. Days later, she did just that. Soon after her motion seeking sole custody was filed with the Court, both parents were referred to mediation, and a week later arrived in my office. Now more calm, and in a problem solving mode, the mother knew well that even if she were awarded sole custody, her daughter's regular visits with her father, although lessened, would continue. The child's exposure to his new wife would not end. Father, in turn, offered evidence that both he and his wife took this lapse very seriously. She had reentered a counseling program, had apologized to the child and expressed sincere regret. In the weeks that followed, there had been no further incidents, and the youngster seemed relaxed, as eager as ever to spend time in her father's home. When the mother and I talked privately, another reality also became clear. Her greatest assurance that her daughter would be protected in the future, was her former husband's earlier decision, reacting so quickly to call and seek her help. Should there be another troubling event, would he likely turn first to her again if she went forward with Court action seeking to deprive him of his status as a joint custodian? Our discussion in mediation continued and both parents explored additional ways to enhance their daughter's future well-being. The father had already scheduled a family therapy session. He talked of how hurtful it would be to feel disenfranchised as a parent. The mother was understanding and seemed to recognize the damage likely to be done to their parenting relationship if she entered a public arena with allegations of fault and poor character. There was even tentative talk about the mother and step-mother taking steps to become better acquainted. So, was the custody litigation dismissed? It was not. Mother's family maintained their pressure on her to proceed with Court action, calling into question her devotion to her daughter if she did not. The mother's need to meet the expectations and approval of her own family won out. No one makes decisions in a vacuum. We seek the support and acceptance of our "constituency", friends and family. Agreements need to be developed with this in mind, and in this instance I had not given that enough consideration. Although aware of her family's initial involvement in her decision to seek legal redress, I had not focused on helping the mother develop strategies for sensitizing her family to the likely consequences of bitter and prolonged litigation. It is so easy for extended family and friends to hold onto a winner/loser mentality without fully understanding the ramifications of parents undermining each other publicly, and in the eyes of their child. I chalk up this experience for future use. But it still feels like my failure. |
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