Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Troubling Fantasies This entry was posted on 10/9/2010 7:24 AM and is filed under Generally Speaking. Even when alone I can almost hear the sharp intake of breath I share with others on learning of recent teenage suicides. How especially harrowing it must be for parents who suspect or know of their child's confusion or anguish about their sexuality. Fear of that unknown bully who may tip the balance and court disaster. I've experienced the suicide of two friends, but as adults. After the shock, and sometimes a sense of betrayal, one comes to accept a well-considered mature decision, as painful as it is to contemplate the desperate sadness that must have accompanied the act. But never acceptance of the young having taken this path. What now comes to my mind is that time about fifteen years ago, when our family court was rocked by two teenage suicides, one following the other by only months, their parents locked in War of the Roses combat. Shocked and saddened, a colleague of mine was galvanized to action. The result: the expert from out of town was invited to come and steer us in some new directions. Our collective sorrow led us to seek greater understanding about children experiencing this traumatic time. We yearned for knowledge that would draw us back from hell and into the light. Neil Kalter, a research psychologist and author of "Growing Up With Divorce", addressed a large group of lawyers, mental health professionals, and virtually all of the Court personnel, judges, magistrates and parenting specialists. Some things he said that day, I continue to repeat to all parents I meet with, usually on the very first day of mediation. He said: all children of divorce experience two fantasies. I remember being surprised that this well regarded social scientist was willing to be so universal in his approach. Taking note that divorcing parents eventually separate, he described the first fantasy: children who have only experienced a home with both father and mother present, fantasize that if one parent can leave, what's to keep the other parent from leaving? The fear imagined is of complete abandonment. Kalter suggested that we tell our clients about this and urge them to reassure their kids, who rarely speak of this fear, that despite their separation, both parents will always be there for them. And these encouraging words should not be spoken only once, but repeated often during the difficult early days, and beyond. Each time I think about this and mention it to others, I'm surprised anew that it was not more obvious to me before that day, but it was not. Do parents of gay youngsters offer that support? The second fantasy Kalter described was far less easy for me to understand. And it was this: children of divorce blame themselves for the divorce. I remember thinking, how, or why, can this be? Perhaps, I thought, this might be true of adolescents, acting out in negative ways as they pushed away from childhood, but otherwise it made little sense. Well, I've become a believer, for as I tell parents about this, I often see them shake their heads in sad acknowledgment. The father of a seven year old once told me he overheard his son tell a playmate: if only I had done my homework, my parents would not have split. Almost funny, if not so sad. Most divorcing parents agonize over the impact on their children. But children of divorce, however difficult their transition to parents living apart, are not these days likely to be shamed by their peers. What a much greater challenge to somehow build a protective shield around gay young people who do fear being exposed to public humiliation. Do they also fear abandonment and blame themselves? |
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