Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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The Fear That Does Not Fade This entry was posted on 11/6/2010 7:24 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. When I decide to write about violence between intimate partners, my heartbeat quickens and I am tempted to stop. I've never been subjected to physical intimidation, so don't fully understand why I so readily insert myself into the picture painted by others. As a mediator I have to provide a safe setting, one in which both parties feel empowered and able to speak freely. To assure this design, I always talk with each person alone on the day of our first meeting. One question I ask is a veiled one: How did you resolve disputes during your marriage? The most common response: I just went along to get along. Not often, but on occasion, grievous assaults are disclosed. My initial thought, which I never speak, is: if this was happening to you, why didn't you leave? Many others must actually have posed this question, for without prompting, excuses often follow: I knew I could handle it. The children needed their father. He would have lost his job. I didn't want anyone to know. He was going through a bad time and promised it would never happen again. Oddly enough, the speaker of the unspeakable remains calm. Practiced? I too appear composed, and am actually relieved and ready to accept these reassurances, end this discussion and move on. In fact, over the years I have successfully concluded a number of cases in which threats and rough treatment were reported. I took at face value that the past could be set aside, perhaps not forgiven, but forgotten. Now, I know better, and I ask myself how many of those prior agreements were motivated by fear? For today, I am better schooled and wiser about the lasting impact of being the target of purposely inflicted pain, of living in fear of an intimate partner. Now I know I must look behind the superficial responses, and when I do, the anxiety, theirs and mine, appears anew. I no longer listen passively to the rote explanations, but press for details and this is what I hear: We were on a Sunday drive on a winding road and I asked him to slow down. His arm swept across the space between us and he broke my nose. We were in the cellar examining the furnace which had gone cold. I checked the sticker and noted the inspection was overdue. He broke my arm. After crushing my cell phone underfoot, he stood in the doorway and wouldn't let me leave the room. He hasn't struck me in years, but the day after I told him about my promotion, he attempted suicide. Now I probe: are you still afraid? Do your friends know? Are you in counseling? In almost every instance, residual fright is admitted and tears flow. And except in rare cases where significant therapy and the passage of time have provided new strengths, my skill as a mediator cannot overcome the power imbalance generated by enduring fear. Mediation must end. I'm told those who grow up in a home where there is raging and coercion, often seek to connect with a controlling partner. Perhaps this is so. But when they are finally ready to leave, there must be an advocate present to assure a safe escape and a well reasoned settlement, forged in a secure setting, free of fear. CommentsDisplay comments as (Linear | Threaded)
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