It was clear to her the marriage should end. He disagreed, but reluctantly he acquiesced, and they entered mediation.

             Oddly, when describing the nature of their day-to-day lives, he and she did not differ. I puzzled over how they could portray even the details of their circumstances in the very same way, yet reach such different conclusions.

            They have two youngsters. That was reason enough for me to probe, to question whether another direction might still be taken. Perhaps they’d be open to working with a counselor.

            I first met alone with the husband. He acknowledged there had been some rough times and told me, without any obvious emotion, that there had been no physical intimacy for well over a year. He reported that they talked little, but that they seldom fought and rarely were at odds about the children. In a somber tone, he said: so, it isn’t all that bad.

            I shared this view with his wife when next we met privately. Her response was immediate and animated. She told me that his parents remained married, although the entire family knew they were miserable with each other and had been for years, sleep in separate bedrooms, and hardly speak. She said: that’s their life, but not the life I intend to live.

            I asked about her own parent’s marriage. She smiled and sat back, her taut body relaxing, and described it as comfortable and loving, telling of tender moments between them she often witnessed as a child.

            These partners who had reached such opposite conclusions about the viability of their relationship, brought the marriage in which they had grown up into their own.  Now it was not hard to understand why their present situation was assessed so differently.

            Marriages fail for varied and complex reasons. Here, neither was willing, or able, to perceive and come to appreciate the other’s view of what a marriage should be. We see the world through our own lens and only with deliberate effort look through the lens of another. Would things have been otherwise if they had sought help early on and come to recognize the importance of their unique family histories, and with that understanding then made the effort to recapture and build upon what had initially drawn them together? Impossible to know. Perhaps theirs is an extreme example of what everyone making a commitment to another faces, whether aware of it or not: the model of marriage that seeped into their partner’s consciousness when young.

            Here’s something to consider when a loved one communicates disapproval or unhappiness. Before disappointment ripens into disdain, with genuine interest (free of sarcasm), ask: tell me what you expected.

            And really listen to the answer. Let it be the basis for self-disclosing conversations, talk of what was hoped for, and what accommodations might be made once the other’s outlook is understood. Or perhaps make a well-considered decision not to accommodate, but to simply learn how to live with differences.

            It is said the road to hell is paved with good intentions. More likely it is paved with unrealistic expectations, never explored until it is too late.