Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries

Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in
Cincinnati, Ohio 
Bea V. Larsen

For a number of years Bea V. Larsen, senior mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in Cincinnati, Ohio [www.cfrdmediation.com], presented weekly commentaries on WVXU radio, both on her professional work as a mediator and on more personal or general experiences. These broadcasts reached thousands of listeners in a number of midwestern states and elicited many comments. This new series of online commentaries will continue that tradition, now broadcast to the world via the internet. Comments, which can be posted directly to this blog, are warmly encouraged. More personal background information can be read in the "Introductions" category below.
 

The Art of Asking Questions

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This entry was posted on 2/12/2011 7:42 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics.

     I often share a meal with a close friend. The talk is our sustenance, the food incidental. And the conversation flows, unguarded. We are skilled players of the verbal ping-pong that carries us forward, inquiring and learning about the other, disclosing what is important about our lives at that moment, Ours is a dance with the steps so practiced, there is no need to be mindful about the questions we pose. We risk little, even with a misstep.

     But consider different settings where this is not so:

     The cardinal rule taught in law school is to never interrogate a witness in a courtroom without knowing the answer in advance. The temptation can be so great. One last probe to emphasize the essential winning point: "And why is that Mrs. Jones?" Then a response issues that surprises and wipes out earlier testimony.

     But that is the courtroom where the choreography of words spoken in critical. Need this be so in our personal lives? In our professional lives? Is the art of asking questions so important? In mediation sessions, as I observe the impact of the questions the parties ask each other, and responses to those I pose, I've come to think so.

     When negotiating, or just conversing with a loved one, a question can either bring someone to a desired destination or evoke a defensive response that creates a barrier, sets the players apart, and prevents or at least postpones a positive outcome. Mindfulness is especially called for when there is tension in the air. The inquiry, the tone of voice, even the quality of eye contact, needs to be free of criticism or judgment. If simply reacting without much thought, without consideration of the goal sought, opportunities for agreement, or an intimate connection, are often lost.

     The distinctions can be subtle:

           Ask: Can you tell me more about that? (open, accepting)
           Not: Do you really believe that? (veiled belligerence)

          Ask: Would it be helpful for me to explain my reasoning (respect, consultation)
          Not: Do you understand my point? (intelligence called into question)

     Or in a more personal vein:

          Ask: Feel like talking about what happened last night? (an invitation)
          Not: Don't you think it's high time we talked about what happened last night?
                 (command performance)

     If a professional or intimate relationship is troubled, and discussion of an important issue avoided, --- either fearing a negative reaction which will only make things worse, or because embarrassment impedes honesty --- consider first saying: we need to have a difficult conversation.

     The respect shown by not taking another unaware, offering even just a moment to prepare, may set the stage for willing consideration of the issue at hand, There are times when both conversation partners will be off balance. Just acknowledging this at the outset can avoid a defensive response, or a closed door.

     And here is another rule it might be sound to consider: Some questions are best left unasked.

          Do you think these pants are too tight?
          How many calories in this banana cream pie?
          Do you still love me?


    


 

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    • 2/12/2011 1:23 PM Neil wrote:
      Yes, it's me-- your son, loyal reader, but rarely a presence here since we obviously have other, more immediate and direct modes and rhythms of communication, but... just wanted to say how timely and helpful this commentary was for me this morning. Contemplating a long conversation soon, over the phone, in which I had already been imagining asking questions in just the way you advise against. Will definitely re-read this very profound analysis (of what Erving Goffman calls "the presentation of self") before I open my mouth and wreck any real chance of communication with the other party. Humanity: this is my mother giving you some precious wisdom, free of charge: you will do well to listen and consider.
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