Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries

Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in
Cincinnati, Ohio 
Bea V. Larsen

For a number of years Bea V. Larsen, senior mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in Cincinnati, Ohio [www.cfrdmediation.com], presented weekly commentaries on WVXU radio, both on her professional work as a mediator and on more personal or general experiences. These broadcasts reached thousands of listeners in a number of midwestern states and elicited many comments. This new series of online commentaries will continue that tradition, now broadcast to the world via the internet. Comments, which can be posted directly to this blog, are warmly encouraged. More personal background information can be read in the "Introductions" category below.
 

Awake At 4:00 AM

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This entry was posted on 6/4/2011 6:23 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics.


          My professional failures stay with me. Wakeful at 4:00am I conduct the postmortem.

          The case began when a mother petitioned the Court to terminate the plan she and her former husband had been following to share responsibility for raising their 8-year-old daughter. For several years these parents had been working well together and their daughter was flourishing.

         A disturbing event tipped the balance.

         The father had remarried. His daughter and his new wife gradually became acquainted and formed a comfortable bond. Then, one evening, when the daughter was at his home, the father phoned the mother and asked her to come promptly and get their child, as there had been a troubling exchange between his wife and daughter. In haste, the mother drove to his home and picked up the frightened youngster. On the drive home, she heard a tearful story: the stepmother had been drinking, and when an argument arose after dinner, she had verbally lashed out at the child.

          The next morning, the mother shared this story with members of her family. She was strongly urged by her sister and her own mother to immediately call her lawyer and do whatever was necessary to prevent such an event from ever happening again. Days later, she did just that, and soon after, her motion seeking sole custody was filed with the Court. Both parents were then referred to mediation and arrived at my office the next week.

          Now more calm, and in a problem-solving mode, the mother realized that even if she were awarded sole custody, her daughter's regular visits with her father, although lessened, would continue. Her exposure to his new wife would not end.The father, in turn, assured her that both he and his wife took the lapse very seriously. She had reentered a counseling program, had apologized to the child and expressed sincere regret. In the weeks that followed, there had been no further incidents.

          When the mother and I talked privately, another reality also became clear. Her greatest assurance that her daughter would be protected in the future was her ex-husband's earlier behavior, reacting so quickly to call and seek her help.Should there be another troubling event, would he likely call upon her again if she went forward with Court action seeking to deprive him of his status as a joint custodian?

          The discussion continued with both parents, and they explored additional ways to enhance their daughter's future well-being should other issues arise. The father had already scheduled a family therapy session. He talked of how hurtful it would be to feel disenfranchised as a parent. The mother seemed understanding and to recognize the damage likely to be done to their future parenting relationship if she stepped into a public arena with allegations of fault and poor character. There was even some tentative talk about the mother and step-mother becoming better acquainted.

          So, was the custody litigation dismissed? It was not. Mother's family maintained their pressure on her to proceed with Court action, calling into question her devotion to her daughter if she did not. The mother's need to meet the expectations and approval of her family won out.

          No one makes decisions in a vacuum. We seek the support and acceptance of our "constituency", friends and family. Agreements need to be developed with this in mind. I had not given that enough consideration. Although aware of her family's initial involvement in her decision to file, I had not focused on helping the mother develop strategies for sensitizing her family to the likely consequences of bitter and prolonged litigation.

          It is so easy for extended family and friends to hold onto a winner/loser mentality without fully understanding the ramifications of parents undermining each other publicly, and in the eyes of their child.

          Mediation sessions ended and I do not know the final outcome, as such cases take many months to resolve. It still feels like my failure.
 

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    • 6/4/2011 8:12 AM Susan Steinberg wrote:
      I relate to your conducting the post-mortem at odd hours of the night. I want to offer words to relieve the self-blame, but I also know too well that hindsight sometimes allows us a clearer view of what we missed or forgot. Your point that the mother's extended family context can sway a person's decision is well-taken. I am not sure what all of the options are for addressing that huge influence, but next time I am in a similar situation, I hope to remind myself to ask, "Who else has a stake in your decision?" Is there another pull or push in your mind, words another has spoken that is likely to tug at you to resort back to legal action?"
      Another thing I try to remember when clients come to me with a choice between two options is to add a third option. We can get stymied by the image of "two roads diverging in a yellow wood" when there is the option of creating our own path, or turning around to see if we missed another possibility. In this case, pausing and waiting six months to see what transpires is another option. That path still allows going to court or not going to court. It delays the decision until more data is gathered. In the meantime, the parties involved can address their individual roles in the drama.
      Thanks for posting, Bea. It is always thought-provoking and helpful.
      Susan
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