Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Is There Still A Chance? This entry was posted on 7/2/2011 5:29 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. Often a husband and wife who are scheduled to meet at my office to share their sad story and negotiate a plan for their future, arrive together. I greet them as they step off the elevator and note the tone of their voices, or the silence. It is telling. Some are already living apart, others soon will be. Most are quiet and choose to not even meet the other's gaze as they settle on either end of my long couch. Misery and anxiety hangs in the air. But a few chat in a friendly way, ignoring the lack of privacy. They speak of their children, the soccer schedule, report cards. These safe topics may even elicit smiles, or perhaps the sharing of photos. As our formal talk begins and we become acquainted, occasionally partners tell me that they've been unable to engage in a meaningful conversation for years, but that after the agonizing decision was made to separate and divorce, tensions lessened and slowly they began to have the very disclosing and important talks that had eluded them for so long. Each situation is unique, but it is easy to conjecture that now that they are parting, even though there is considerable fear about what the future holds, neither feels quite as emotionally vulnerable, less exposed or threatened by the other's judgment and disapproval, so they can relax and be more authentic. Perhaps they even once again display the very qualities the other found attractive years before. A romantic might suggest that these folks have found the answer and can now live together happily. How often is that the case? Although ease of intimate communication surely contributes to a successful bond, can it be counted upon to rejuvenate a relationship that has seriously faltered? No doubt the answer to this question is both "yes" and "no". Those who have answered "yes" do not walk through my door, so I cannot speak to their lasting success. But, I recently worked with parties in mediation who were cordial, seemed to have an easygoing friendship, and an ability to problem solve together about their children which was so effective and affirming that, when alone with the wife, who had initiated the ending, I decided to ask whether she had sufficiently examined the possibility of reconciliation. With a weary smile she assured me that she had fully considered that option in the work she had done in therapy over the past year. Quoting her therapist, she likened her marriage to a plant that had died for lack of water over an extended period of time. To now pour water over the dead plant could not bring it back to life. Both she and her husband were now ready to move on, apart. Ironically, the decision to end their marriage had allowed them to risk finding new ways of telling each other truths. This did not rekindle the interest or passion they both now hoped to find with another, but their lucky kids would always have two parents who could talk in a meaningful way, and who would support each other over bumps in the road ahead. Impossible to know what the outcome might have been if the truth telling had come sooner. |
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