Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Negotiation By Threat This entry was posted on 7/30/2011 4:40 AM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. A caller sought advice that in the moment I could not give. He told the following story: Four years earlier, when separated from his wife, he sought solace in the arms of a sympathetic co-worker. But within days they abandoned their brief affair, she not wanting to put her marriage at risk. Later the caller and his wife reconciled and during an intimate moment, he disclosed this misstep. Now once again they were living apart and their divorce action was pending. His soon to be ex-wife was demanding an excessive financial settlement and threatened, if thwarted, to tell all to the husband of his former co-worker friend. The caller was in turmoil, imagining painful, perhaps irrevocable consequences. This left me in a quandary. The issue of extortion, which I deemed this to be, had never arisen before. Then, oddly, within days of this call, a professional colleague also sought advice about a similar event. During a mediation session, an ex-husband seeking to end his long-term support obligation, issued a challenge to his former wife: He knew that some years ago she'd had prior knowledge that a former co-worker, who was also her close friend, had breached the trade secret policy of their employer. His ex-wife had never disclosed to anyone else what he now threatened to reveal. Although no known harm had come of his former wife's silence, she feared that her earlier disloyalty would damage her own reputation and likely imperil her job. After considerable thought, my suggestion to both persons threatened in this way, was to consult with legal counsel. Perhaps a letter sent to each of those seeking financial gain by intimidation, questioning whether they were aware of the possible criminal nature of their proposed actions, would be a sufficient deterrent. Yet, even if these threats were initially withdrawn, could not this pressure be renewed at any time, perhaps in a more subtle fashion? And if not deterred, then what? Call their bluff? Are bullies closet cowards? Or, capitulate to the demand being made? Would other demands follow? Or, try to understand the motivation for the desperate measures being taken? Could the threatened party step back and with genuine interest question why such scare tactics were being used? Explore compromise? Or is this sheer folly? In an ideal world, would it not make sense to become a truth teller and take back personal power? Is this perhaps the only secure ending? Alert the friend who had ended the brief affair to preserve her marriage, and offer the option of her maintaining the secret, or not. And in the second situation, own up and take the risk that the employer, when belatedly told of the failed espionage, would understand, even respect the conflicted loyalty of a valued employee? Each possible course of action carries risks difficult to weigh, but taking responsibility for past actions wrests control from the unprincipled aggressor. Even if a high price is paid, would less troubled sleep be the reward when the balance of power is restored? |
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