Bea V. Larsen . . . .Commentaries |
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Bea V. Larsen is a Senior Mediator at the Center for Resolution of Disputes in |
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Parental Debate Cancelled This entry was posted on 10/7/2011 9:00 PM and is filed under Relationship Dynamics. He said: If only I could make you see, convince you of the harm you . . . . . In frustration he stopped talking, his jaw clenched. Seated on one end of my office couch, he turned to face his ex-wife, eyes pleading for her understanding. Staring straight ahead, her body rigid and poised to respond, her words were clipped: you just don't get it! This father of two pre-teenage children complained that his ex-wife was so overly protective that their youngsters were growing up fearful about taking even the slightest physical risk. He had arranged for them to go on a canoe camping trip, which he assured her would be well supervised. She remained anxious and refused to give them her permission to go. In an effort to convey to me the irresponsibility of his past decisions, she reported that he repeatedly ignored the children's serious health issues, citing a recent example: when their daughter had a temperature of 101, he had allowed her to go swimming. Our standards for child rearing usually mimic those of our own early experience. No doubt, if motivated, we can open ourselves up to learning new ways, but being willing to change is not likely when defending against verbal attack, or even a gentle disparagement of our behavior.These parents really needed to sit back and listen to each other's concerns and give up on the thankless task of reversing another's decision by forceful argument. Both parents were on the brink of returning to Court, but for now were willing to try talking about their differences. Several years earlier they had spent a few months mediating to resolve their divorce issues, and had built up some reserve of trust. So, maybe they could find a way to get the other to shift their thinking. And once calm was restored, they did. Reminded that their own self-interest lay in meeting the interests of the other, after some venting they were able to relax a bit, listen and look for ways to stop the alienating debate. They came to an understanding, if not acceptance, of each other's point of view. Ultimately here was the compromise: Father agreed to provide detailed information about the supervision the children would have during the adventure he'd planned. He would collect the names of all the parents whose children had taken the trip the year before and help mother contact as many of them as she wished. She was also to have the opportunity to speak directly with, or actually meet, the adults who would be in charge. Mother agreed to provide a list of illness symptoms that would trigger father's obligation to check with her before allowing the children to take part in special activities he had organized. Then, if unable to reach an accord, they would follow the advice of their pediatrician. Were these parents changing their views in any essential way? Hardly. But they were accommodating to each other's interests in a way that ultimately met their own. Not perfectly, but close enough. Until the next time. And they presented an example for me to recall the next time I think I can change another's mind by simple force of what I believe is a sound argument. |
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